Worries

I think if I had a five day weekend, even that wouldn't be enough to relax me right now. I'm exhausted. I feel constantly worried about finances and my job and my family and you name it, I'm worried about it.

I have made some decisions though. I will be going to grad school or law school in the next couple of years. I really want to go to the University of Pittsburgh as it has good programs in Law and Public Health. I figure I might as well apply for both and see which one I get. I know I'll be studying a lot for GREs and LSATs and all that, but I really want to go back to school. I need an advanced degree to work at the UN and for most non-profits specializing in international affairs. I would LOVE to work for the International Criminal Court in The Hague. That'd be amazing.

Tomorrow is the last day of work being closed to kids before it opens for after-school programming. Everyone is running around stressed out and crazy. I'm stressed out and I feel like I bring others' stress upon myself. I need to quit doing that. I guess I'm compassionate to a fault.

I'm exhausted and I can't relax. I feel like I could sleep for years...

So Stressed...

I think, for about the past three weeks, I've felt stressed out. I described it to someone as the monkeys climbing on my back. One monkey...two monkey...two hundred monkeys. I think it's just a combination of a lot of different things from the important to the mundane. So I'm going to rant now and get it all out before I explode...fair warning. If you don't want to hear a bitch fest, step away from the computer.

Things that stress me out:

1. The shift key on my keyboard at work only works 75% of the time.
2. I never seem to have enough money and the piling up of medical bills doesn't help.
3. When the cats wake me up before I'm supposed to wake up.
4. I live EIGHT HOURS away from my closest family member.
5. My best friends live 2 1/2 to 3 hours away.
6. I think the last of my friends from college has officially moved away from this town.
7. My mouse at work sucks.
8. Men treat me like I'm retarded and just want to get in my pants 85% of the time.
9. It is weird being 24 years old in a college town. I'm not still in school and I'm not married/having babies. I don't really fit in.
10. I'm the only person I know that didn't live at home after college. I lived there for a month, got a job and moved out.
11. I pay way too much in rent.
12. I can't afford to go on vacation. We never went when I was a kid, and I don't think I'll be able to afford it as an adult either. Yay! I'll be going to grandma's for vacation the rest of my life.
13. It pisses me off when my friends call me drunk at 3am when I have to get up for work at 6:45.
14. My fibromyalgia makes me feel like I am 85 years old some days.
15. I need new clothes. Half my shirts are falling apart, but I can't afford it.
16. The fact that "I can't afford it" is 99% of my vocabulary. I sound like my mother. I spent half my life hearing "We can't afford it."
17. My goal in life is to make a difference. I don't feel like I'm making much difference right now.

That's enough of that. I guess some days it just needs to come out. I don't really expect anyone to read any of it.

I'm tired.

Latest Books

After Plain Jane, I started The Bright Forever. The novel takes place in small town Southern Indiana. It is about the disappearance and murder of a little girl. I must say, it truly reminded me of The Lovely Bones but this version isn't as well written and it isn't told from the little girl's point of view. To tell you all the truth, I'd give this book a 3.75 tops. It changes narrator way too often and tries too hard to be original. Truth be told, it isn't all that original. I was excited to see that it takes place in Southern Indiana, but the descriptions that the Illinois-native writes, don't sound remotely like the places I know. He also writes that the county seat of Owen County isn't Spencer, but some made up town. That ended up ticking me off as it just made it seem like the author didn't do his homework. The story could have been a lot more exciting. The author attempts to create suspense with all the narrator changes, but ends up confusing the reader instead. I was disappointed.

I have finished The Bright Forever. I am now reading The Secret History of the Pink Carnation. I am only on chapter two, so I'll save my comments for after I've read more.

Personally, I've been plagued with loneliness recently. I'm unsure as to the root of it, but I miss my family tremendously.

A Random Variety of Things...

I finished "Plain Jane" by Laurien Gardner. I'd give it 3.75 out of 5. It was written fairly well. However, it is one of the most common stories told from the era, so getting a feeling of creativity are slim to none. It is considered fiction, so the author does take some liberty with Jane Seymour's story. Nothing too crazy. In the end, I feel like saying, "Eh...It's okay." It's a decent read, but if you have a better book in mind, go for the other one.

I've started "A Bright Forever" and will update you on how that is going soon. I've barely started it, so I'm still figuring it out.

I am tired. I need a break. I need to get out of this town. I just wish there was vacation time. It appears as though I will always seem burned out. I feel stressed out by the smallest things right now and I feel like I have a monkey on my back. There's a meditation class on Sunday at the Buddhist Center in town. I may go check it out. I need to call over there and see if I need to bring lunch and stuff. It seems like a very good idea. There is also yoga on Saturdays at 4 for $5. Now that's something I can afford. I think I'm going to check into that too.

My friend, Dan, is leaving for Asia. I wish I could join. I'm ready to go on an adventure. I miss Africa. I miss being in a place I'm unfamiliar with. I miss traveling. I wish him the best of luck. I will miss him dearly.

50+ Things I've Learned in 2010

This year has been definitely been teaching me a lot, so here's what I've learned in the past 8 months.

1. Having a good job that I like is amazing.
2. I can deal with this fibromyalgia. It's not going to ruin my life.
3. I don't have to have a man to be happy.
4. I know what love is like and I know what I'm looking for.
5. Trying new things is fun.
6. I like my own company.
7. I like being myself.
8. Reading relaxes me more than anything.
9. I need to work with children. That's what I'm on this earth for.
10. I want to live in New Orleans someday.
11. I like living by myself. If I had a roommate, I'd probably kill them.
12. I like things the way I like them. That's not going to change.
13. It doesn't matter how old you are, some people are just immature.
14. I know what I need in a man. If you don't have, sorry about ya.
15. My mom is my best friend.
16. My stepdad is pretty damn cool.
17. I need to figure out who I am before I worry about being with other people.
18. I apparently have a southern accent.
19. I cannot stand people who are ignorant. (Okay...I've known this a long time, but it's become more apparent as I grow older.)
20. I don't like living so far away from my family.
21. Family is everything.
22. Men that are too clingy drive me crazy.
23. Men that are too distant drive me crazy.
24. Men that try too hard drive me crazy.
25. Potassium deficiencies are AWFUL. I never want that to happen again.
26. I've learned that life is too short.
27. Being depressed is okay. Letting it take over your life is not.
28. Smoking is gross.
29. I am independent. Take it or leave it.
30. I need to go on vacation.
31. You treat my cats like crap, it's going to piss me off.
32. The less medicines I take, the better I feel.
33. I'm a hippie. There I said it.
34. The Farmers' Market is an amazing place to go.
35. Africa is an obsession. I MUST go back.
36. I must work at a place where I help people. Working just to make money isn't going to cut it.
37. Racism, sexism, etc. are ridiculous. This is 2010, not 1865. Get the hell over it.
38. Do what makes you happy.
39. I become engrossed in guys way too quickly. I need to sit back and let it flow.
40. I like Indiana.
41. Grandpa Marty drinks "go juice" aka 5 Hour Energy when he goes to have Guy Night or hangs out with my little cousins.
42. The I-Pad has a very unfortunate name. What's next? The I-Tampon! Just plug it in!
43. Old people say strange things like: "Hair don't grow on concrete."
44. Going out on a weeknight once in a while is okay.
45. I'd rather have a couple good friends than 500 acquaintances.
46. I go back and forth between reading a whole bunch of non-fiction then a whole bunch of fiction.
47. I can tell by the third date if I don't feel like dating you or if it's not going to work.
48. Online dating is retarded.
49. I just want to feel like I'm grounded in one place for awhile.
50. College towns suck if you aren't in college/aren't married and have a family. I'm definitely not in either of those two categories.
51. I need to date a mature person.
52. Don't put all your eggs in one basket...
53.

Well, that's all for now. I'm sure this list could be a million things long if I had written them all down.

Headache...

OMG HEADACHE GO AWAY.

Well...that's out of my system. I've tried just about everything.

Anyway...I'm currently devouring Plain Jane by Laurien Gardner. Typical Tudor age story about Jane Seymour. Easy read. Not entirely impressed but it's a decent read. I'm halfway through it and I started it yesterday.

Spent most of work today working on a Tax Organizer. It was not as bad as it looked, just took a long time. Maybe that's the reason for the headache. Maybe not. Today flew by. I helped Chris finish a new member/parent handbook. I did so much today but it went by so fast. I don't know if I could say all that I did.

The new guy is coming back to town today and I'm excited. I thought he'd be here when I got back, but he still hasn't made it in.

I feel like this is the reason I don't write everyday. I really don't have much to say. Oh well...see y'all next time.

Going for a Walk

Wow. It's been a LONG time since I've had the motivation to do much. Maybe it's the heat, maybe I don't have anything to write about, I don't know.

In any case, I feel like I'm getting some motivation back. I worked 7:45-4:15 today. Let's just say there must be something in the water, or maybe it's the heat, but the kids have been CRAZY lately. Oh my goodness... I also saw one of my old clients today. Sounds like he's doing well now. I'm glad. I hope he becomes a Club kid. The Club would be a great place for him to succeed and grow into the person he needs to be and provide him with the POSITIVE role models he so desperately needs. I went to Target and Staples after work to buy supplies for work. I relaxed some after work and watched some Law and Order SVU. I decided to take a walk. I walked down and around the building next to my apartment complex and back. I must have walked about a mile. I feel great now. This may become a new habit. :)

Another reason I haven't written much lately is that I've been reading like crazy. I've been devouring every book I've gotten my hands on. Here's what I've been reading:

Zeitoun by Dave Eggers. Four and a half stars. The amazing story of one man and his family and their experiences in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. I've read a lot of Katrina books, but this one is one of my favorites. Dave Eggers was already on my list of great authors due to his awesome book What is the What. I'm looking forward to more Eggers books.

Nine Lives: Death and Life in New Orleans by Dan Baum. Five stars. It isn't very often that I give a book a five out of five. This is the story of nine people from all over New Orleans, from different backgrounds, families, races, etc. These nine people are shown from 1965 when Hurricane Betsy hit to 2005 when Hurricane Katrina hit and beyond. A fascinating story of how people lives can cross whether they know it or not, race in the South, and how a city can bounce back after tragedy.

Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger. Four and a half. I think I read this book in two days. An amazingly beautiful, odd, thought provoking story of twins. One set of twins, the daughters of one twin, are bequeathed a flat in London by their mother's twin, their estranged aunt. This is the story of a family history full of twists and turns with a little bit of OCD neighbor and ghosts wrapped up in one. Very original.

Mother of Pearl by Melinda Haynes. Four Stars. I've had this book on my shelf for probably 7-8 years. Now I wish I had read it sooner. At one point in high school, I had an obsession with buying and reading all Oprah's Book Club books. There did come a time where I got sick of them and they sat on my shelf. This is a really neat story of a town in Mississippi called Petal. This is the story of several people in that town, how crazy their lives can be. It also centers around race, mysticism, and what it's like to be a teenager as well as an old bachelor. Very fast, good read.

I've been on a fiction kick lately. I seem to read non fiction for awhile and then fiction and then switch again. I'm still keeping track of every book I've read since eighth grade and how many pages it is. I want to read a million pages before I die. I've got over 160,000 pages down now. I'm well on my way. I figure I'm going to live to be 125, so I've got plenty of time.

Well...there you have it (DAD! Quit bothering me to write!). I'm going to go watch History Detectives on PBS, which if you haven't seen it...you definitely should check it out! It's usually on PBS World, but is shown on regular PBS on the weekends sometimes.

Good Night Moon.