I have spent the past two months trying to decide what direction my life needs to go. I've spent hours upon hours contemplating, weighing options, etc.
My decision is as follows:
1. I will be moving to Pittsburgh in June when my Bloomington lease runs out.
2. I will work for one year while I establish Pennsylvania residency.
3. I will go to Univ. of Pittsburgh to get my graduate degrees in Public Health, specifically Epidemiology.
I haven't written in so long because I wanted to wait until I had informed my coworkers so they wouldn't have to find out via this blog. I know some of you read it!
Reasons for my decision:
1. If I don't go to grad school now, I'm going to end up never going.
2. I need to get the heck out of Bloomington. Although I adore it, I don't have very many friends here anymore due to the mobile nature of this town. I think it's also in my gypsy blood to never stay in one place too long (thanks to mom's side of the family).
3. Bloomington holds a lot of memories that need to be put in the past. I've found myself dwelling a lot in the past lately, so much so that sometimes I forget that I need to keep looking forward.
4. I need an adventure.
5. To work for the CDC, UNAIDS, UNICEF, etc, it is best to have a graduate degree.
6. Although I joke about it, and my parents certainly couldn't care less, it's difficult to be the daughter of Dr. & Dr. Such and Such. I know the pressure is my own and I want to succeed, but I feel like I NEED to be just as successful as they are.
7. I don't want to be an admin assistant the rest of my life. I enjoy what I do most of the time and I love my co-workers, but the truth is: it's not what I want to do with my life.
8. I want a job that I feel like I'm making a difference in.
9. I need to get away from exes. As petty as that is, it's true.
10. I'm broke. Property prices are too high here for a single girl making what I make to live here on her own and save any money for later in life.
So I'll be moving in June. My lease is up on June 15. I plan on the Friday before Memorial Day being my last day. I'll be moving my kitties to my mom's about a month before I move. I think I'll be lonely without them, but I want them to get used to Mom's place and be able to move my stuff without them trying to escape and the like.
This new path that I've decided to take is, to be brutally honest, scary as fuck. Excuse my language, but that's the best way to describe what I'm feeling right now. I've lived in Bloomington for almost 14 years. I moved 5 times before the age of 12, but I've been in this town for over half my life now. I think from the time we moved here, I knew I'd move on eventually. It's still scary. I hate moving. I hate learning to drive in a new town. I hate making new friends. BUT....I love the adventure. I love making new friends too, because you never know who you will meet. I love having a new place to live. I love finding out everything about the town I'm moving too.
So AHHHHHHHH! I've told my coworkers that I'll be leaving. I wanted to give them as much time as possible to find the right person to replace me and for me to have enough time to train that person. I don't want the next person to be in the same place as I was when I started, which was jumping in two feet first with no idea about what I was supposed to be doing. I'm reluctant to leave as I really like my coworkers and the kids that come to our programming. I'll miss them all very much, but hey...maybe when I'm rich and famous, I'll be able to give them lots of money. :)
I've read a lot of books lately, so I won't critique them all. But some books to check out are:
Carrier: Finding the Danger in My DNA
What the Dog Saw
Any David Sedaris book
All of the above are thought-provoking, interesting books. Another couple of amazing books are The Price of Stones and The Love We Share Without Knowing. CHECK THEM OUT!
Another aspect of moving is all the STUFF one accumulates over time. You never realize how much crap you own until you decide to move. However, I'm proud of myself. It is easy for me to purge myself of stuff. I currently have an enormous pile of stuff in my second bedroom that I need to take to Goodwill. I also gave a lot of my books away to the public library and to the library at the place where I work. I still have a ton of books. I took some of them home when I went home for Thanksgiving, but I still have a lot. And DVDs....I own a lot of those too. Other than that, I really don't have a lot of clothes or anything like that. I'm going to be selling my recliner and coffee table and maybe a couple of other things, so if you are interested, let me know.
Finally, Thanksgiving was wonderful. I went to a magazine premiere for Jenny, a magazine published online by students at Youngstown State University. Check it out at www.jennymag.org. I met a lot of people. Hopefully, I'll be able to make some friends with some of them. We had Thanksgiving at my aunt's house, as usual. Everyone is doing great. I really liked that I was able to just do nothing for a few days. I had almost a week off and it was fantastic. I also got to see my Great Aunt Marlene and her new kitten, Odie. I don't like driving the 7 hours there and back. It kills my lower back, but seeing my family is worth it. I can't wait until I'm less that an hour from all of them.
Sorry for the strange construction and thought process of this blog entry. I basically just let my thoughts pour out on the page, which just means that they're just as mixed up as my thought process right now.
I hope to get to writing in my blog more now. Enjoy and I hope you all had a great Thanksgiving!
Monday, November 29, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
One Week
It's been a week since I last wrote. I feel like all I have done is work. I worked Monday through Friday and then spent 4 hours in a parade yesterday for one of our units. The parade was a blast, but I must say, I cannot control my stress level.
It's one thing to put on a mask at work and try my best not to show that I'm stressed. I know it shows the most in the morning when I'm tired and it's hard to put my game face on. There are three special events coming up at work and everyone is stressed out. I have a stress migraine coming on right now and have taken some advil and caffeine to hopefully keep it at bay. I don't have a free weekend until November. I've got something for work just about every weekend. Next weekend, I'm helping out at the Farmers Market to spread the word about one of our events. The weekend after that, I'll be recovering from surgery. The weekend after that we have an event. The weekend after that, I'm free and then we have the oh so fun board retreat the weekend after that. Last year's retreat, I think maybe an hour was worth the staff being there.
I really want to get out of here. I'm sick of being stressed all the time. I hate feeling like the world is going to end if I take a day off. I've tried all the stress relieving techniques I used with the mentally ill kids I worked with, but I have to say, nothing is working. I feel like I spent a lot of the weekend sleeping and reading which are my usual stress relievers with no result. Stress triggers my fibromyalgia which causes immense pain, which stresses me more, which causes more pain. Today I feel like I'm 80.
I don't eat when I'm stressed, but I always feel like I could sleep forever. One good thing is that the cats have been behaving themselves the past couple of days. Sleeping with the fan on keeps them from waking me up too many times in the middle of the night.
Book Reviews:
Booking Passage by Thomas Lynch. I cannot rate this book. I didn't get past chapter three. The author is so incredibly long winded, I couldn't take it anymore. How many times can the author tell you the names of the families that live in the town he writes about? Really. I could probably tell you all the families if you asked me because he tells you at least one a chapter if not three or four times. He continually repeats himself and it feels like he's filling the pages with fluff. It's like a high schooler trying to fill the pages of an essay. He's just blabbing.
Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs. 4.5/5 What a well-written and ODD novel. It's a memoir and the man has truly had one (excuse my language) fucked up life. Every chapter leaves you with your mouth open in shock. It also leaves you feeling sorry, or laughing, or any other variety of feelings you can have while reading a book. Tremendously written. The characters are well written and it's easy to imagine them in your head while you read.
Speaking of reading, I saw another Kindle in person yesterday. I think they're neat, but I cannot imagine reading a book without being able to smell what I call "book smell" and being able to feel the pages. Maybe someday, but I don't think I'd like it right now.
Men: My love life hasn't been what I'd like to call successful. The guy I wrote about earlier ended up not being as great as he seemed. I did go on another date which was nice, but the second time we hung out he wanted to clip his toenails in front of me and thought I'd play video games or at least watch him play. Sorry, I'm not looking to date another Andrew. I've had a couple other dates which have been fine, but I cannot imagine being serious with anyone right now. I've got too many things going on.
I'll take any suggestions on stress relievers. Pittsburgh is looking pretty great right now. I miss my family.
It's one thing to put on a mask at work and try my best not to show that I'm stressed. I know it shows the most in the morning when I'm tired and it's hard to put my game face on. There are three special events coming up at work and everyone is stressed out. I have a stress migraine coming on right now and have taken some advil and caffeine to hopefully keep it at bay. I don't have a free weekend until November. I've got something for work just about every weekend. Next weekend, I'm helping out at the Farmers Market to spread the word about one of our events. The weekend after that, I'll be recovering from surgery. The weekend after that we have an event. The weekend after that, I'm free and then we have the oh so fun board retreat the weekend after that. Last year's retreat, I think maybe an hour was worth the staff being there.
I really want to get out of here. I'm sick of being stressed all the time. I hate feeling like the world is going to end if I take a day off. I've tried all the stress relieving techniques I used with the mentally ill kids I worked with, but I have to say, nothing is working. I feel like I spent a lot of the weekend sleeping and reading which are my usual stress relievers with no result. Stress triggers my fibromyalgia which causes immense pain, which stresses me more, which causes more pain. Today I feel like I'm 80.
I don't eat when I'm stressed, but I always feel like I could sleep forever. One good thing is that the cats have been behaving themselves the past couple of days. Sleeping with the fan on keeps them from waking me up too many times in the middle of the night.
Book Reviews:
Booking Passage by Thomas Lynch. I cannot rate this book. I didn't get past chapter three. The author is so incredibly long winded, I couldn't take it anymore. How many times can the author tell you the names of the families that live in the town he writes about? Really. I could probably tell you all the families if you asked me because he tells you at least one a chapter if not three or four times. He continually repeats himself and it feels like he's filling the pages with fluff. It's like a high schooler trying to fill the pages of an essay. He's just blabbing.
Running with Scissors by Augusten Burroughs. 4.5/5 What a well-written and ODD novel. It's a memoir and the man has truly had one (excuse my language) fucked up life. Every chapter leaves you with your mouth open in shock. It also leaves you feeling sorry, or laughing, or any other variety of feelings you can have while reading a book. Tremendously written. The characters are well written and it's easy to imagine them in your head while you read.
Speaking of reading, I saw another Kindle in person yesterday. I think they're neat, but I cannot imagine reading a book without being able to smell what I call "book smell" and being able to feel the pages. Maybe someday, but I don't think I'd like it right now.
Men: My love life hasn't been what I'd like to call successful. The guy I wrote about earlier ended up not being as great as he seemed. I did go on another date which was nice, but the second time we hung out he wanted to clip his toenails in front of me and thought I'd play video games or at least watch him play. Sorry, I'm not looking to date another Andrew. I've had a couple other dates which have been fine, but I cannot imagine being serious with anyone right now. I've got too many things going on.
I'll take any suggestions on stress relievers. Pittsburgh is looking pretty great right now. I miss my family.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Book FINISHED
Last night, I finished Green City in the Sun. I'd give it a 4.5/5. The author certainly did her homework. I felt as though she had truly researched the time period and the Kikuyu people she writes about. There are some books that feel like they are so well researched, they could have happened. This is one of those books. It is also an amazing read. I read 647 pages in about 3 days. It may have been two days. It was a fast read, however long it took me.
Current Book Count: 499
Current Page Count: 160, 511
I've kept track since March of 2000. Let's see how far I can go!
Current Book Count: 499
Current Page Count: 160, 511
I've kept track since March of 2000. Let's see how far I can go!
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Sick Sick Sick
It has been quite a while since I've actually been sick. I admit it, though. I am sick. Pretty sure I have a flu bug too. I missed work Friday and spent all day the past two days in bed/reading. If anything, I've gotten a lot of reading done, which I feel is good for the soul.
I'm currently reading Green City in the Sun about colonial Kenya. It is a very well written historical fiction novel. The author certainly did her homework. She took some liberties, of course, but that is why it is fiction. I'm enjoying the book and have read most of the six hundred pages in the past two days. I'm past page 500 now. I might actually finish it tonight.
I hate being sick as my to-do list gets longer and longer. I really need to do laundry, but the thought of dragging my laundry to the laundromat seems like carrying a boulder 100 miles since I'm sick. I actually don't mind laundry most of the time, but I feel pretty weak right now and there's no way I'm carrying my huge laundry basket. I am never getting an apartment without a washer/dryer again. I've had enough of this the past 2 years.
I watched a very interesting documentary on my instant queue called "Born into Brothels". It follows the stories of several young kiddos in the red light district in Calcutta. They are taking photography classes and have taken some amazing pictures of their lives. The woman teaching the photography classes attempts to enroll them in school and give them a boost in life, but this ends up failing for most of them. The stories are very interesting, heart-breaking, and inspiring all at the same time. I'd recommend it. Then I attempted to watch "Tarnation" about a man dealing with his mother's schizophrenia, but it was so dramatic and bizarre (not a documentary style film, but more of a drama queen style video diary), I ended up turning it off.
I'm going to attempt to finish my book tonight and write my review tomorrow. Good night.
I'm currently reading Green City in the Sun about colonial Kenya. It is a very well written historical fiction novel. The author certainly did her homework. She took some liberties, of course, but that is why it is fiction. I'm enjoying the book and have read most of the six hundred pages in the past two days. I'm past page 500 now. I might actually finish it tonight.
I hate being sick as my to-do list gets longer and longer. I really need to do laundry, but the thought of dragging my laundry to the laundromat seems like carrying a boulder 100 miles since I'm sick. I actually don't mind laundry most of the time, but I feel pretty weak right now and there's no way I'm carrying my huge laundry basket. I am never getting an apartment without a washer/dryer again. I've had enough of this the past 2 years.
I watched a very interesting documentary on my instant queue called "Born into Brothels". It follows the stories of several young kiddos in the red light district in Calcutta. They are taking photography classes and have taken some amazing pictures of their lives. The woman teaching the photography classes attempts to enroll them in school and give them a boost in life, but this ends up failing for most of them. The stories are very interesting, heart-breaking, and inspiring all at the same time. I'd recommend it. Then I attempted to watch "Tarnation" about a man dealing with his mother's schizophrenia, but it was so dramatic and bizarre (not a documentary style film, but more of a drama queen style video diary), I ended up turning it off.
I'm going to attempt to finish my book tonight and write my review tomorrow. Good night.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Back from Mom's...
Whew. I drove a total of AT LEAST 20 hours this weekend. It takes 7 hours normally to get from where I live to my parents' house in Pennsylvania. However, there was an hour and a half back up on I-71 due to gawking at a rear-end crash. By the time I got to the accident, I was thinking that somebody better be dead or in critical condition...but NO...it was a very minimal accident. Three lanes of highway backed up for an hour and a half. Ridiculous.
I had a great couple of days with my family. My grandma is convinced that something is wrong with me because I am not married and I don't have kids yet. I told her I think it is the guys around here, not me. She's still convinced it's my problem. I have to admit, it makes me feel like utter crap when my grandma tells me that there must be something wrong with me. It's not like I'm not trying. It's also not like I never want to get married and have children. I just haven't met the guy for me yet, I guess. I hope it happens eventually, but we'll see.
I have made the decision that I want to go to grad school in Pittsburgh. Soon. I need a year in Pennsylvania to gain in-state residency. The sooner I go, the better. I'm ready for a change.
I just finished The Masque of the Black Tulip by Lauren Willig. This is the second in the series. The first one is the one I wrote about in my last blog. Again, good story, some nice action. Again, too many sex scenes, unconvincing action scenes. I think the author really wanted to make this a book that would be both adventurous and sexy. It's both, but not in a way I like. It's like a romance novel on action steroids. The idea is a good idea; it's just not done well. Too bad. It could have been really great.
Again, I say:
Go buy The Price of Stones and The Love We Share Without Knowing if you want to read a couple of AMAZING books. These will not be a waste of your time. I want to read them both again very soon.
I had a great couple of days with my family. My grandma is convinced that something is wrong with me because I am not married and I don't have kids yet. I told her I think it is the guys around here, not me. She's still convinced it's my problem. I have to admit, it makes me feel like utter crap when my grandma tells me that there must be something wrong with me. It's not like I'm not trying. It's also not like I never want to get married and have children. I just haven't met the guy for me yet, I guess. I hope it happens eventually, but we'll see.
I have made the decision that I want to go to grad school in Pittsburgh. Soon. I need a year in Pennsylvania to gain in-state residency. The sooner I go, the better. I'm ready for a change.
I just finished The Masque of the Black Tulip by Lauren Willig. This is the second in the series. The first one is the one I wrote about in my last blog. Again, good story, some nice action. Again, too many sex scenes, unconvincing action scenes. I think the author really wanted to make this a book that would be both adventurous and sexy. It's both, but not in a way I like. It's like a romance novel on action steroids. The idea is a good idea; it's just not done well. Too bad. It could have been really great.
Again, I say:
Go buy The Price of Stones and The Love We Share Without Knowing if you want to read a couple of AMAZING books. These will not be a waste of your time. I want to read them both again very soon.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Labor Day....
Let's just say....TGILDW. Aka Thank God it's Labor Day Weekend!
I'm done with The Secret History of the Pink Carnation. I'd give it a 3.5. It's a decent read, but I could tell what was going to happen 50 pages into the book. Lame. Especially when it is supposed to be a thriller. WAY too many sex scenes. Jesus...no one needs to have that much GRAPHIC sex. Ridiculous. No one is going to have sex behind a curtain while they're trying to hide and be spies. Ridiculous.
I bought the book because it was on sale on Amazon. I'm reading the second book in the series just because I bought it at the same time. Again, I'm not that impressed. Oh well..
I have gotten rid of over 50 books. I donated some to work and a bunch to the library. It's amazing how it feels to PURGE things. I'm the total opposite of a pack rat. If I could get away with owning nothing, I'd certainly try.
Side note: My cat, Oliver, is giving me quite the look right now. I think I must have woken him up from his precious nap. We call this the "stink eye" where I'm from.
Work has been incredibly stressful for me lately and I'll be very grateful to go visit my family this weekend. It is really hard to live so far away from them. I just need to get the hell out of this town. I'm so sick of this town. This weekend: mom's house. Next weekend: Darryn's house for the Renaissance Festival. Rock on!
In regards to work, some times I wonder if people realize how freaking hard I work and whether I'm appreciated or not. Yes, I may sit at a desk all day, but I get a TON done. Give me a list of things to get done in two weeks, I get them done in a week and then four times as many things. I suppose every one wonders whether or not they're appreciated, but I guess I'm pretty sensitive to it. I just wish I had a window and a decent chair/keyboard/computer mouse. I feel like I'm in a box most of the time and I savor the times I get to go someplace like the bank or the post office. The keyboard and mouse are just crappy. LOVE the monitor...but the keyboard and mouse drive me CRAZY.
Go buy The Price of Stones. Seriously. You'll never find a book more moving or more enjoyable.
Go buy The Love We Share Without Knowing. You'll never find a book better written.
DO IT.
I'm done with The Secret History of the Pink Carnation. I'd give it a 3.5. It's a decent read, but I could tell what was going to happen 50 pages into the book. Lame. Especially when it is supposed to be a thriller. WAY too many sex scenes. Jesus...no one needs to have that much GRAPHIC sex. Ridiculous. No one is going to have sex behind a curtain while they're trying to hide and be spies. Ridiculous.
I bought the book because it was on sale on Amazon. I'm reading the second book in the series just because I bought it at the same time. Again, I'm not that impressed. Oh well..
I have gotten rid of over 50 books. I donated some to work and a bunch to the library. It's amazing how it feels to PURGE things. I'm the total opposite of a pack rat. If I could get away with owning nothing, I'd certainly try.
Side note: My cat, Oliver, is giving me quite the look right now. I think I must have woken him up from his precious nap. We call this the "stink eye" where I'm from.
Work has been incredibly stressful for me lately and I'll be very grateful to go visit my family this weekend. It is really hard to live so far away from them. I just need to get the hell out of this town. I'm so sick of this town. This weekend: mom's house. Next weekend: Darryn's house for the Renaissance Festival. Rock on!
In regards to work, some times I wonder if people realize how freaking hard I work and whether I'm appreciated or not. Yes, I may sit at a desk all day, but I get a TON done. Give me a list of things to get done in two weeks, I get them done in a week and then four times as many things. I suppose every one wonders whether or not they're appreciated, but I guess I'm pretty sensitive to it. I just wish I had a window and a decent chair/keyboard/computer mouse. I feel like I'm in a box most of the time and I savor the times I get to go someplace like the bank or the post office. The keyboard and mouse are just crappy. LOVE the monitor...but the keyboard and mouse drive me CRAZY.
Go buy The Price of Stones. Seriously. You'll never find a book more moving or more enjoyable.
Go buy The Love We Share Without Knowing. You'll never find a book better written.
DO IT.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Worries
I think if I had a five day weekend, even that wouldn't be enough to relax me right now. I'm exhausted. I feel constantly worried about finances and my job and my family and you name it, I'm worried about it.
I have made some decisions though. I will be going to grad school or law school in the next couple of years. I really want to go to the University of Pittsburgh as it has good programs in Law and Public Health. I figure I might as well apply for both and see which one I get. I know I'll be studying a lot for GREs and LSATs and all that, but I really want to go back to school. I need an advanced degree to work at the UN and for most non-profits specializing in international affairs. I would LOVE to work for the International Criminal Court in The Hague. That'd be amazing.
Tomorrow is the last day of work being closed to kids before it opens for after-school programming. Everyone is running around stressed out and crazy. I'm stressed out and I feel like I bring others' stress upon myself. I need to quit doing that. I guess I'm compassionate to a fault.
I'm exhausted and I can't relax. I feel like I could sleep for years...
I have made some decisions though. I will be going to grad school or law school in the next couple of years. I really want to go to the University of Pittsburgh as it has good programs in Law and Public Health. I figure I might as well apply for both and see which one I get. I know I'll be studying a lot for GREs and LSATs and all that, but I really want to go back to school. I need an advanced degree to work at the UN and for most non-profits specializing in international affairs. I would LOVE to work for the International Criminal Court in The Hague. That'd be amazing.
Tomorrow is the last day of work being closed to kids before it opens for after-school programming. Everyone is running around stressed out and crazy. I'm stressed out and I feel like I bring others' stress upon myself. I need to quit doing that. I guess I'm compassionate to a fault.
I'm exhausted and I can't relax. I feel like I could sleep for years...
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
So Stressed...
I think, for about the past three weeks, I've felt stressed out. I described it to someone as the monkeys climbing on my back. One monkey...two monkey...two hundred monkeys. I think it's just a combination of a lot of different things from the important to the mundane. So I'm going to rant now and get it all out before I explode...fair warning. If you don't want to hear a bitch fest, step away from the computer.
Things that stress me out:
1. The shift key on my keyboard at work only works 75% of the time.
2. I never seem to have enough money and the piling up of medical bills doesn't help.
3. When the cats wake me up before I'm supposed to wake up.
4. I live EIGHT HOURS away from my closest family member.
5. My best friends live 2 1/2 to 3 hours away.
6. I think the last of my friends from college has officially moved away from this town.
7. My mouse at work sucks.
8. Men treat me like I'm retarded and just want to get in my pants 85% of the time.
9. It is weird being 24 years old in a college town. I'm not still in school and I'm not married/having babies. I don't really fit in.
10. I'm the only person I know that didn't live at home after college. I lived there for a month, got a job and moved out.
11. I pay way too much in rent.
12. I can't afford to go on vacation. We never went when I was a kid, and I don't think I'll be able to afford it as an adult either. Yay! I'll be going to grandma's for vacation the rest of my life.
13. It pisses me off when my friends call me drunk at 3am when I have to get up for work at 6:45.
14. My fibromyalgia makes me feel like I am 85 years old some days.
15. I need new clothes. Half my shirts are falling apart, but I can't afford it.
16. The fact that "I can't afford it" is 99% of my vocabulary. I sound like my mother. I spent half my life hearing "We can't afford it."
17. My goal in life is to make a difference. I don't feel like I'm making much difference right now.
That's enough of that. I guess some days it just needs to come out. I don't really expect anyone to read any of it.
I'm tired.
Things that stress me out:
1. The shift key on my keyboard at work only works 75% of the time.
2. I never seem to have enough money and the piling up of medical bills doesn't help.
3. When the cats wake me up before I'm supposed to wake up.
4. I live EIGHT HOURS away from my closest family member.
5. My best friends live 2 1/2 to 3 hours away.
6. I think the last of my friends from college has officially moved away from this town.
7. My mouse at work sucks.
8. Men treat me like I'm retarded and just want to get in my pants 85% of the time.
9. It is weird being 24 years old in a college town. I'm not still in school and I'm not married/having babies. I don't really fit in.
10. I'm the only person I know that didn't live at home after college. I lived there for a month, got a job and moved out.
11. I pay way too much in rent.
12. I can't afford to go on vacation. We never went when I was a kid, and I don't think I'll be able to afford it as an adult either. Yay! I'll be going to grandma's for vacation the rest of my life.
13. It pisses me off when my friends call me drunk at 3am when I have to get up for work at 6:45.
14. My fibromyalgia makes me feel like I am 85 years old some days.
15. I need new clothes. Half my shirts are falling apart, but I can't afford it.
16. The fact that "I can't afford it" is 99% of my vocabulary. I sound like my mother. I spent half my life hearing "We can't afford it."
17. My goal in life is to make a difference. I don't feel like I'm making much difference right now.
That's enough of that. I guess some days it just needs to come out. I don't really expect anyone to read any of it.
I'm tired.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Latest Books
After Plain Jane, I started The Bright Forever. The novel takes place in small town Southern Indiana. It is about the disappearance and murder of a little girl. I must say, it truly reminded me of The Lovely Bones but this version isn't as well written and it isn't told from the little girl's point of view. To tell you all the truth, I'd give this book a 3.75 tops. It changes narrator way too often and tries too hard to be original. Truth be told, it isn't all that original. I was excited to see that it takes place in Southern Indiana, but the descriptions that the Illinois-native writes, don't sound remotely like the places I know. He also writes that the county seat of Owen County isn't Spencer, but some made up town. That ended up ticking me off as it just made it seem like the author didn't do his homework. The story could have been a lot more exciting. The author attempts to create suspense with all the narrator changes, but ends up confusing the reader instead. I was disappointed.
I have finished The Bright Forever. I am now reading The Secret History of the Pink Carnation. I am only on chapter two, so I'll save my comments for after I've read more.
Personally, I've been plagued with loneliness recently. I'm unsure as to the root of it, but I miss my family tremendously.
I have finished The Bright Forever. I am now reading The Secret History of the Pink Carnation. I am only on chapter two, so I'll save my comments for after I've read more.
Personally, I've been plagued with loneliness recently. I'm unsure as to the root of it, but I miss my family tremendously.
Monday, August 16, 2010
A Random Variety of Things...
I finished "Plain Jane" by Laurien Gardner. I'd give it 3.75 out of 5. It was written fairly well. However, it is one of the most common stories told from the era, so getting a feeling of creativity are slim to none. It is considered fiction, so the author does take some liberty with Jane Seymour's story. Nothing too crazy. In the end, I feel like saying, "Eh...It's okay." It's a decent read, but if you have a better book in mind, go for the other one.
I've started "A Bright Forever" and will update you on how that is going soon. I've barely started it, so I'm still figuring it out.
I am tired. I need a break. I need to get out of this town. I just wish there was vacation time. It appears as though I will always seem burned out. I feel stressed out by the smallest things right now and I feel like I have a monkey on my back. There's a meditation class on Sunday at the Buddhist Center in town. I may go check it out. I need to call over there and see if I need to bring lunch and stuff. It seems like a very good idea. There is also yoga on Saturdays at 4 for $5. Now that's something I can afford. I think I'm going to check into that too.
My friend, Dan, is leaving for Asia. I wish I could join. I'm ready to go on an adventure. I miss Africa. I miss being in a place I'm unfamiliar with. I miss traveling. I wish him the best of luck. I will miss him dearly.
I've started "A Bright Forever" and will update you on how that is going soon. I've barely started it, so I'm still figuring it out.
I am tired. I need a break. I need to get out of this town. I just wish there was vacation time. It appears as though I will always seem burned out. I feel stressed out by the smallest things right now and I feel like I have a monkey on my back. There's a meditation class on Sunday at the Buddhist Center in town. I may go check it out. I need to call over there and see if I need to bring lunch and stuff. It seems like a very good idea. There is also yoga on Saturdays at 4 for $5. Now that's something I can afford. I think I'm going to check into that too.
My friend, Dan, is leaving for Asia. I wish I could join. I'm ready to go on an adventure. I miss Africa. I miss being in a place I'm unfamiliar with. I miss traveling. I wish him the best of luck. I will miss him dearly.
Friday, August 13, 2010
50+ Things I've Learned in 2010
This year has been definitely been teaching me a lot, so here's what I've learned in the past 8 months.
1. Having a good job that I like is amazing.
2. I can deal with this fibromyalgia. It's not going to ruin my life.
3. I don't have to have a man to be happy.
4. I know what love is like and I know what I'm looking for.
5. Trying new things is fun.
6. I like my own company.
7. I like being myself.
8. Reading relaxes me more than anything.
9. I need to work with children. That's what I'm on this earth for.
10. I want to live in New Orleans someday.
11. I like living by myself. If I had a roommate, I'd probably kill them.
12. I like things the way I like them. That's not going to change.
13. It doesn't matter how old you are, some people are just immature.
14. I know what I need in a man. If you don't have, sorry about ya.
15. My mom is my best friend.
16. My stepdad is pretty damn cool.
17. I need to figure out who I am before I worry about being with other people.
18. I apparently have a southern accent.
19. I cannot stand people who are ignorant. (Okay...I've known this a long time, but it's become more apparent as I grow older.)
20. I don't like living so far away from my family.
21. Family is everything.
22. Men that are too clingy drive me crazy.
23. Men that are too distant drive me crazy.
24. Men that try too hard drive me crazy.
25. Potassium deficiencies are AWFUL. I never want that to happen again.
26. I've learned that life is too short.
27. Being depressed is okay. Letting it take over your life is not.
28. Smoking is gross.
29. I am independent. Take it or leave it.
30. I need to go on vacation.
31. You treat my cats like crap, it's going to piss me off.
32. The less medicines I take, the better I feel.
33. I'm a hippie. There I said it.
34. The Farmers' Market is an amazing place to go.
35. Africa is an obsession. I MUST go back.
36. I must work at a place where I help people. Working just to make money isn't going to cut it.
37. Racism, sexism, etc. are ridiculous. This is 2010, not 1865. Get the hell over it.
38. Do what makes you happy.
39. I become engrossed in guys way too quickly. I need to sit back and let it flow.
40. I like Indiana.
41. Grandpa Marty drinks "go juice" aka 5 Hour Energy when he goes to have Guy Night or hangs out with my little cousins.
42. The I-Pad has a very unfortunate name. What's next? The I-Tampon! Just plug it in!
43. Old people say strange things like: "Hair don't grow on concrete."
44. Going out on a weeknight once in a while is okay.
45. I'd rather have a couple good friends than 500 acquaintances.
46. I go back and forth between reading a whole bunch of non-fiction then a whole bunch of fiction.
47. I can tell by the third date if I don't feel like dating you or if it's not going to work.
48. Online dating is retarded.
49. I just want to feel like I'm grounded in one place for awhile.
50. College towns suck if you aren't in college/aren't married and have a family. I'm definitely not in either of those two categories.
51. I need to date a mature person.
52. Don't put all your eggs in one basket...
53.
Well, that's all for now. I'm sure this list could be a million things long if I had written them all down.
1. Having a good job that I like is amazing.
2. I can deal with this fibromyalgia. It's not going to ruin my life.
3. I don't have to have a man to be happy.
4. I know what love is like and I know what I'm looking for.
5. Trying new things is fun.
6. I like my own company.
7. I like being myself.
8. Reading relaxes me more than anything.
9. I need to work with children. That's what I'm on this earth for.
10. I want to live in New Orleans someday.
11. I like living by myself. If I had a roommate, I'd probably kill them.
12. I like things the way I like them. That's not going to change.
13. It doesn't matter how old you are, some people are just immature.
14. I know what I need in a man. If you don't have, sorry about ya.
15. My mom is my best friend.
16. My stepdad is pretty damn cool.
17. I need to figure out who I am before I worry about being with other people.
18. I apparently have a southern accent.
19. I cannot stand people who are ignorant. (Okay...I've known this a long time, but it's become more apparent as I grow older.)
20. I don't like living so far away from my family.
21. Family is everything.
22. Men that are too clingy drive me crazy.
23. Men that are too distant drive me crazy.
24. Men that try too hard drive me crazy.
25. Potassium deficiencies are AWFUL. I never want that to happen again.
26. I've learned that life is too short.
27. Being depressed is okay. Letting it take over your life is not.
28. Smoking is gross.
29. I am independent. Take it or leave it.
30. I need to go on vacation.
31. You treat my cats like crap, it's going to piss me off.
32. The less medicines I take, the better I feel.
33. I'm a hippie. There I said it.
34. The Farmers' Market is an amazing place to go.
35. Africa is an obsession. I MUST go back.
36. I must work at a place where I help people. Working just to make money isn't going to cut it.
37. Racism, sexism, etc. are ridiculous. This is 2010, not 1865. Get the hell over it.
38. Do what makes you happy.
39. I become engrossed in guys way too quickly. I need to sit back and let it flow.
40. I like Indiana.
41. Grandpa Marty drinks "go juice" aka 5 Hour Energy when he goes to have Guy Night or hangs out with my little cousins.
42. The I-Pad has a very unfortunate name. What's next? The I-Tampon! Just plug it in!
43. Old people say strange things like: "Hair don't grow on concrete."
44. Going out on a weeknight once in a while is okay.
45. I'd rather have a couple good friends than 500 acquaintances.
46. I go back and forth between reading a whole bunch of non-fiction then a whole bunch of fiction.
47. I can tell by the third date if I don't feel like dating you or if it's not going to work.
48. Online dating is retarded.
49. I just want to feel like I'm grounded in one place for awhile.
50. College towns suck if you aren't in college/aren't married and have a family. I'm definitely not in either of those two categories.
51. I need to date a mature person.
52. Don't put all your eggs in one basket...
53.
Well, that's all for now. I'm sure this list could be a million things long if I had written them all down.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Headache...
OMG HEADACHE GO AWAY.
Well...that's out of my system. I've tried just about everything.
Anyway...I'm currently devouring Plain Jane by Laurien Gardner. Typical Tudor age story about Jane Seymour. Easy read. Not entirely impressed but it's a decent read. I'm halfway through it and I started it yesterday.
Spent most of work today working on a Tax Organizer. It was not as bad as it looked, just took a long time. Maybe that's the reason for the headache. Maybe not. Today flew by. I helped Chris finish a new member/parent handbook. I did so much today but it went by so fast. I don't know if I could say all that I did.
The new guy is coming back to town today and I'm excited. I thought he'd be here when I got back, but he still hasn't made it in.
I feel like this is the reason I don't write everyday. I really don't have much to say. Oh well...see y'all next time.
Well...that's out of my system. I've tried just about everything.
Anyway...I'm currently devouring Plain Jane by Laurien Gardner. Typical Tudor age story about Jane Seymour. Easy read. Not entirely impressed but it's a decent read. I'm halfway through it and I started it yesterday.
Spent most of work today working on a Tax Organizer. It was not as bad as it looked, just took a long time. Maybe that's the reason for the headache. Maybe not. Today flew by. I helped Chris finish a new member/parent handbook. I did so much today but it went by so fast. I don't know if I could say all that I did.
The new guy is coming back to town today and I'm excited. I thought he'd be here when I got back, but he still hasn't made it in.
I feel like this is the reason I don't write everyday. I really don't have much to say. Oh well...see y'all next time.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Going for a Walk
Wow. It's been a LONG time since I've had the motivation to do much. Maybe it's the heat, maybe I don't have anything to write about, I don't know.
In any case, I feel like I'm getting some motivation back. I worked 7:45-4:15 today. Let's just say there must be something in the water, or maybe it's the heat, but the kids have been CRAZY lately. Oh my goodness... I also saw one of my old clients today. Sounds like he's doing well now. I'm glad. I hope he becomes a Club kid. The Club would be a great place for him to succeed and grow into the person he needs to be and provide him with the POSITIVE role models he so desperately needs. I went to Target and Staples after work to buy supplies for work. I relaxed some after work and watched some Law and Order SVU. I decided to take a walk. I walked down and around the building next to my apartment complex and back. I must have walked about a mile. I feel great now. This may become a new habit. :)
Another reason I haven't written much lately is that I've been reading like crazy. I've been devouring every book I've gotten my hands on. Here's what I've been reading:
Zeitoun by Dave Eggers. Four and a half stars. The amazing story of one man and his family and their experiences in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. I've read a lot of Katrina books, but this one is one of my favorites. Dave Eggers was already on my list of great authors due to his awesome book What is the What. I'm looking forward to more Eggers books.
Nine Lives: Death and Life in New Orleans by Dan Baum. Five stars. It isn't very often that I give a book a five out of five. This is the story of nine people from all over New Orleans, from different backgrounds, families, races, etc. These nine people are shown from 1965 when Hurricane Betsy hit to 2005 when Hurricane Katrina hit and beyond. A fascinating story of how people lives can cross whether they know it or not, race in the South, and how a city can bounce back after tragedy.
Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger. Four and a half. I think I read this book in two days. An amazingly beautiful, odd, thought provoking story of twins. One set of twins, the daughters of one twin, are bequeathed a flat in London by their mother's twin, their estranged aunt. This is the story of a family history full of twists and turns with a little bit of OCD neighbor and ghosts wrapped up in one. Very original.
Mother of Pearl by Melinda Haynes. Four Stars. I've had this book on my shelf for probably 7-8 years. Now I wish I had read it sooner. At one point in high school, I had an obsession with buying and reading all Oprah's Book Club books. There did come a time where I got sick of them and they sat on my shelf. This is a really neat story of a town in Mississippi called Petal. This is the story of several people in that town, how crazy their lives can be. It also centers around race, mysticism, and what it's like to be a teenager as well as an old bachelor. Very fast, good read.
I've been on a fiction kick lately. I seem to read non fiction for awhile and then fiction and then switch again. I'm still keeping track of every book I've read since eighth grade and how many pages it is. I want to read a million pages before I die. I've got over 160,000 pages down now. I'm well on my way. I figure I'm going to live to be 125, so I've got plenty of time.
Well...there you have it (DAD! Quit bothering me to write!). I'm going to go watch History Detectives on PBS, which if you haven't seen it...you definitely should check it out! It's usually on PBS World, but is shown on regular PBS on the weekends sometimes.
Good Night Moon.
In any case, I feel like I'm getting some motivation back. I worked 7:45-4:15 today. Let's just say there must be something in the water, or maybe it's the heat, but the kids have been CRAZY lately. Oh my goodness... I also saw one of my old clients today. Sounds like he's doing well now. I'm glad. I hope he becomes a Club kid. The Club would be a great place for him to succeed and grow into the person he needs to be and provide him with the POSITIVE role models he so desperately needs. I went to Target and Staples after work to buy supplies for work. I relaxed some after work and watched some Law and Order SVU. I decided to take a walk. I walked down and around the building next to my apartment complex and back. I must have walked about a mile. I feel great now. This may become a new habit. :)
Another reason I haven't written much lately is that I've been reading like crazy. I've been devouring every book I've gotten my hands on. Here's what I've been reading:
Zeitoun by Dave Eggers. Four and a half stars. The amazing story of one man and his family and their experiences in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. I've read a lot of Katrina books, but this one is one of my favorites. Dave Eggers was already on my list of great authors due to his awesome book What is the What. I'm looking forward to more Eggers books.
Nine Lives: Death and Life in New Orleans by Dan Baum. Five stars. It isn't very often that I give a book a five out of five. This is the story of nine people from all over New Orleans, from different backgrounds, families, races, etc. These nine people are shown from 1965 when Hurricane Betsy hit to 2005 when Hurricane Katrina hit and beyond. A fascinating story of how people lives can cross whether they know it or not, race in the South, and how a city can bounce back after tragedy.
Her Fearful Symmetry by Audrey Niffenegger. Four and a half. I think I read this book in two days. An amazingly beautiful, odd, thought provoking story of twins. One set of twins, the daughters of one twin, are bequeathed a flat in London by their mother's twin, their estranged aunt. This is the story of a family history full of twists and turns with a little bit of OCD neighbor and ghosts wrapped up in one. Very original.
Mother of Pearl by Melinda Haynes. Four Stars. I've had this book on my shelf for probably 7-8 years. Now I wish I had read it sooner. At one point in high school, I had an obsession with buying and reading all Oprah's Book Club books. There did come a time where I got sick of them and they sat on my shelf. This is a really neat story of a town in Mississippi called Petal. This is the story of several people in that town, how crazy their lives can be. It also centers around race, mysticism, and what it's like to be a teenager as well as an old bachelor. Very fast, good read.
I've been on a fiction kick lately. I seem to read non fiction for awhile and then fiction and then switch again. I'm still keeping track of every book I've read since eighth grade and how many pages it is. I want to read a million pages before I die. I've got over 160,000 pages down now. I'm well on my way. I figure I'm going to live to be 125, so I've got plenty of time.
Well...there you have it (DAD! Quit bothering me to write!). I'm going to go watch History Detectives on PBS, which if you haven't seen it...you definitely should check it out! It's usually on PBS World, but is shown on regular PBS on the weekends sometimes.
Good Night Moon.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Not motivated
Since I returned home from Mom's, I feel like I haven't had the motivation to do anything after work. I feel like I get home and all I want to do is sit on my butt and watch tv. I haven't read in a few days, which is totally not my style. I don't know what my issue is. Maybe it's the heat. It's been 90+ degrees for a few weeks now. The heat index this week has been 100+. The AC has been on 24/7 which I hate, but it's too hot not to use it and my allergies can't handle the windows open. Oh well. AC will have to do.
I've been talking to my friend about driving to visit them in a couple weeks. I haven't seen them since June so I'm excited. It's kind of a bummer that my best friends live 3 hours away so I don't get to see them very often. I hope we go to the casino again. It's always a blast! Hopefully all 3 girls will be home so I get to see them. Ashley may have left for college by then but Tori and Darryn should be around. Yay! Brent, Darryn's husband, is awesome too. :)
Some time this week, I'd like to make a Goodwill/thrift store shopping trip. I always find good things there. Last time I went, I was at Mom's, and I found a pretty skirt and an awesome vest for a total of $5. I need some new clothes, but working a non-profit doesn't give me much leeway in the money department. Goodwill is the place to go. May try Plato's Closet too, but sometimes it is just as expensive as other stores.
I feel like I've been a lot better with money lately. I live paycheck to paycheck because rent in the town I live in is CRAZY expensive, but I don't feel too stressed out nowadays about it.
Any one wear a size 6 and want some high heels? I own way too many! I may just take them to Goodwill, but I thought I'd ask first.
P.S. I listened to all of the ex and I's song today. I didn't feel emotional hardly at all. I feel a lot better about the whole situation now. I'm certainly getting over it. Feeling lots better. Looking forward to moving on and getting to know that awesome new guy better. :)
I've been talking to my friend about driving to visit them in a couple weeks. I haven't seen them since June so I'm excited. It's kind of a bummer that my best friends live 3 hours away so I don't get to see them very often. I hope we go to the casino again. It's always a blast! Hopefully all 3 girls will be home so I get to see them. Ashley may have left for college by then but Tori and Darryn should be around. Yay! Brent, Darryn's husband, is awesome too. :)
Some time this week, I'd like to make a Goodwill/thrift store shopping trip. I always find good things there. Last time I went, I was at Mom's, and I found a pretty skirt and an awesome vest for a total of $5. I need some new clothes, but working a non-profit doesn't give me much leeway in the money department. Goodwill is the place to go. May try Plato's Closet too, but sometimes it is just as expensive as other stores.
I feel like I've been a lot better with money lately. I live paycheck to paycheck because rent in the town I live in is CRAZY expensive, but I don't feel too stressed out nowadays about it.
Any one wear a size 6 and want some high heels? I own way too many! I may just take them to Goodwill, but I thought I'd ask first.
P.S. I listened to all of the ex and I's song today. I didn't feel emotional hardly at all. I feel a lot better about the whole situation now. I'm certainly getting over it. Feeling lots better. Looking forward to moving on and getting to know that awesome new guy better. :)
Thursday, July 22, 2010
I MET A GUY
Okay, so I didn't want to start telling people about this until I was sure that he's a cool guy. And he is. :)
A couple weeks ago, I went to a place called The Root Cellar, which is basically a new version of a beatnik bar, with one of my friends. She and I met a couple interesting people and talked to them for awhile. Soon enough, some friends of my friend show up. One of them is a very handsome guy, who happens to not be drinking that night, like me. We ended up talking all night. He's a smart, funny, handsome, confident guy. He's a blond, which isn't usually my style, but he's gorgeous. He's a nerd too, which is awesome.
We've been talking basically every day since by text, facebook and skype. I'm just thrilled to have met a good guy. I'm excited. He's a couple years younger than me, but very cool. He's up at home for the summer college break and will be coming back in a couple of weeks. Hope to have a date with him when he gets back. Sounds like there is a good chance!
A couple weeks ago, I went to a place called The Root Cellar, which is basically a new version of a beatnik bar, with one of my friends. She and I met a couple interesting people and talked to them for awhile. Soon enough, some friends of my friend show up. One of them is a very handsome guy, who happens to not be drinking that night, like me. We ended up talking all night. He's a smart, funny, handsome, confident guy. He's a blond, which isn't usually my style, but he's gorgeous. He's a nerd too, which is awesome.
We've been talking basically every day since by text, facebook and skype. I'm just thrilled to have met a good guy. I'm excited. He's a couple years younger than me, but very cool. He's up at home for the summer college break and will be coming back in a couple of weeks. Hope to have a date with him when he gets back. Sounds like there is a good chance!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
It's Been Awhile...
I just haven't been motivated enough to write since I returned from Mom and Dad's. Perhaps because I've been busy or perhaps because I feel like I didn't have anything to write about. Well, listening to music always get my brain moving, so here I am...
I finished "He's Just Not That Into You." Holy shit. I think I've read everything there is to know about dating and BAM. I read it with skepticism and was offended most of the time. Until that is, I realized the guy has a point. Why run around with a billion guys who don't give a flying f&*# about you? Why bother with a guy who's not going to follow through, no matter how many times he tells you that he loves you? I think more than anything that I am FURIOUS with the things guys get away with in a relationship and the total shit I put up with in my last one. "I love you and we're going to be together forever" does not equal that. It equals "I'm going to break your heart and shit all over it while I'm at it because I'm too afraid to commit." Screw that. Screw men that treat women like that. Why do we ask what's wrong with us and how we can fix it when it's not our fault?!
This is so liberating. Screw you for not wanting me, but I am a lovely, beautiful woman and I can conquer the world with or without you.
It's short, but that's my point. Advice or comments welcome.
I finished "He's Just Not That Into You." Holy shit. I think I've read everything there is to know about dating and BAM. I read it with skepticism and was offended most of the time. Until that is, I realized the guy has a point. Why run around with a billion guys who don't give a flying f&*# about you? Why bother with a guy who's not going to follow through, no matter how many times he tells you that he loves you? I think more than anything that I am FURIOUS with the things guys get away with in a relationship and the total shit I put up with in my last one. "I love you and we're going to be together forever" does not equal that. It equals "I'm going to break your heart and shit all over it while I'm at it because I'm too afraid to commit." Screw that. Screw men that treat women like that. Why do we ask what's wrong with us and how we can fix it when it's not our fault?!
This is so liberating. Screw you for not wanting me, but I am a lovely, beautiful woman and I can conquer the world with or without you.
It's short, but that's my point. Advice or comments welcome.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
What's the point?
I know everyone, at some point, has taken a step back from life and wondered, "what the hell is the point?" Some people find their answers in religion. Some people find them in drugs. Some people find them in reading. Some people find them in helping others.
Well, I'm taking a step back again, one of many that I've taken, and have wondered the exact same thing. I enjoy my job, my friends, the few hobbies that I have. But, in the end, what's the point? At one point in my life, I believed it was helping people. Today, I still believe that, but I also believe that my entire existence will be based on a search for self. Yea, I have a basic idea of who I am and where I am going, but there sure is a lot of shit out there that I don't know. I don't know where I'll be in a year. I don't know what path my life is on. I don't know if I'm going to end up the crazy cat lady at the end of the day.
I think life is based more on what you don't know than what you do know. Everyone knows the phrase, "You learn something everyday." Whoever first said that phrase is damn right. I think your entire life is there for you to learn things. As my ex once said, he needs to learn what makes him happy. I have my own things that I'm learning. I'm learning where I belong. I'm learning where I am in this huge universe. I'm discovering who I am. I spent so much time trying to "help" others that I never took the time to truly help myself. Looking back, it's probably because I don't want to seem selfish or a bitch or whatever.
I'm learning that I'm a strong person, just like my mom, and I really don't give a shit if that means I'm a bitch. Bitch is just a word. I've been called moody, but what HUMAN BEING isn't. I swear that guys have their own version of PMS but whatever it may be, they can be JUST as moody as women. Get over it guys, you're definitely like that too.
I think the search for self is a continuous journey that must be a journey taken from the beginning to the end of your life. Don't let anyone tell you who you are or where you are going. I don't care if the person you love the most, whether it's a family member or your mate, tells you what you are. If that's not who you are, don't act like it is. I spent a lot of my life being a chameleon for other people. Originally (this was in high school), I thought it was a good idea because I knew a lot of people and I had a lot of what I considered, "friends." Looking back on it now, though, the people that I was myself with are still my friends. I'm still friends with my high school sweetheart and we hang out on occasion. My first boyfriend got married this past weekend. And, yes, we're still friends. I see several of my high school friends around town. We don't hang out all the time or even talk a lot, but they're still friends. Does facebook help me stay in contact? You bet. Would I still try to stay in contact with those people without it? You betcha.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is that: Be who you are, not who others think you should be. Don't believe that you're ever going to stop learning either. You won't. I will try my best to remember that it will take me my entire life to learn about the world and how I fit in and who I am. I must be patient and realize I'm not going to learn it all in one day. I need to take it one step at a time.
Well, I'm taking a step back again, one of many that I've taken, and have wondered the exact same thing. I enjoy my job, my friends, the few hobbies that I have. But, in the end, what's the point? At one point in my life, I believed it was helping people. Today, I still believe that, but I also believe that my entire existence will be based on a search for self. Yea, I have a basic idea of who I am and where I am going, but there sure is a lot of shit out there that I don't know. I don't know where I'll be in a year. I don't know what path my life is on. I don't know if I'm going to end up the crazy cat lady at the end of the day.
I think life is based more on what you don't know than what you do know. Everyone knows the phrase, "You learn something everyday." Whoever first said that phrase is damn right. I think your entire life is there for you to learn things. As my ex once said, he needs to learn what makes him happy. I have my own things that I'm learning. I'm learning where I belong. I'm learning where I am in this huge universe. I'm discovering who I am. I spent so much time trying to "help" others that I never took the time to truly help myself. Looking back, it's probably because I don't want to seem selfish or a bitch or whatever.
I'm learning that I'm a strong person, just like my mom, and I really don't give a shit if that means I'm a bitch. Bitch is just a word. I've been called moody, but what HUMAN BEING isn't. I swear that guys have their own version of PMS but whatever it may be, they can be JUST as moody as women. Get over it guys, you're definitely like that too.
I think the search for self is a continuous journey that must be a journey taken from the beginning to the end of your life. Don't let anyone tell you who you are or where you are going. I don't care if the person you love the most, whether it's a family member or your mate, tells you what you are. If that's not who you are, don't act like it is. I spent a lot of my life being a chameleon for other people. Originally (this was in high school), I thought it was a good idea because I knew a lot of people and I had a lot of what I considered, "friends." Looking back on it now, though, the people that I was myself with are still my friends. I'm still friends with my high school sweetheart and we hang out on occasion. My first boyfriend got married this past weekend. And, yes, we're still friends. I see several of my high school friends around town. We don't hang out all the time or even talk a lot, but they're still friends. Does facebook help me stay in contact? You bet. Would I still try to stay in contact with those people without it? You betcha.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is that: Be who you are, not who others think you should be. Don't believe that you're ever going to stop learning either. You won't. I will try my best to remember that it will take me my entire life to learn about the world and how I fit in and who I am. I must be patient and realize I'm not going to learn it all in one day. I need to take it one step at a time.
Monday, July 5, 2010
It's been awhile...
I think I owe y'all a blog or two.
I'll start with Thursday. Thursday, I woke up with immense pain in my abdomen. Basically, it felt like someone had punched me really hard. I thought I just had slept wrong or whatever and went to work. Spent the entire day in pain. I'd finally had enough around 5 and asked my friend, M, to take me to the ER after calling the doctor's office and having them tell me to go to the ER. We spent about an hour at the ER. I got several xrays and other tests. Apparently, I'm showing signs of IBS. Woohoo. They gave me some meds, which may have started working, but I'm still having cramping in my abdomen and it HURTS.
Friday: I went to work, because, damn it, I'm not going to miss work. Worked until about 3 when I finally asked if I could leave when I broke down crying because my abdomen hurt so bad. I went home, took a nap, and decided to drive to Pennsylvania to start my vacation early. I got here at about 1am. It was a pretty decent drive. There weren't too many people on the road and I made really good time. Got stared at by a really good looking guy at a truck stop outside Columbus, Ohio. I couldn't help but think to myself, really?? At a TRUCKSTOP?? I don't think so. I made it here just fine. Listened to the audio version of "A Price of Stones" on the way here. Incredible novel. Definitely will be a book I read over and over.
Saturday: I started a book called "The Love We Share Without Knowing" by Christopher Barzak. I finished it today. It is INCREDIBLE. What a fantastically written book. It's well thought out, so original, definitely a good pace. WOW. That's about all there is to it. It's about Japan and is based on Chris' experiences working as an English teacher in Japan, but it is so much more than that. It's about how people relate to one another and all the little ways people connect to one another. Think six degrees of separation, but just insanely, beautifully written.
In any case, now I am interested in teaching English in Japan. I've taught English in another non-English speaking country, why not Japan? If I can't go back to Africa, why not go to Asia and cross another bucket list item off my list? I feel this incredible need to get the heck out of America and visit the world while I am single and able. Maybe this whole breakup is the universe's way of telling me to get out and do things. I had envisioned all these plans I had with my ex and where my life was supposed to go. That's what I really need to let go of: it's not what actually happened, but what I was hoping would happen, that I grieve the most about. I spent a lot of time being angry, and then in denial and now I think I'm finally working through it. It feels like somebody died, but it is kind of like a death, but a death of a dream instead of a person.
I hope that one day I will meet the person I am supposed to have my amazing connection with and that connection will be even more amazing than the one I had with Andrew.
Taking this week off from work is a time I hope will be exactly what I need. I need to figure out who I am again. Me, myself and I. Maybe this is a time to rethink that and reinvent myself as the person I believe myself to be. I am stronger than I think I am. I am smarter than I believe myself to be. I am damn confident in myself right now. I need to ride this out for what it's worth. I'll be kicking ass and taking names for awhile while I make this change I need in my life. Watch out world, here I come!
I'll start with Thursday. Thursday, I woke up with immense pain in my abdomen. Basically, it felt like someone had punched me really hard. I thought I just had slept wrong or whatever and went to work. Spent the entire day in pain. I'd finally had enough around 5 and asked my friend, M, to take me to the ER after calling the doctor's office and having them tell me to go to the ER. We spent about an hour at the ER. I got several xrays and other tests. Apparently, I'm showing signs of IBS. Woohoo. They gave me some meds, which may have started working, but I'm still having cramping in my abdomen and it HURTS.
Friday: I went to work, because, damn it, I'm not going to miss work. Worked until about 3 when I finally asked if I could leave when I broke down crying because my abdomen hurt so bad. I went home, took a nap, and decided to drive to Pennsylvania to start my vacation early. I got here at about 1am. It was a pretty decent drive. There weren't too many people on the road and I made really good time. Got stared at by a really good looking guy at a truck stop outside Columbus, Ohio. I couldn't help but think to myself, really?? At a TRUCKSTOP?? I don't think so. I made it here just fine. Listened to the audio version of "A Price of Stones" on the way here. Incredible novel. Definitely will be a book I read over and over.
Saturday: I started a book called "The Love We Share Without Knowing" by Christopher Barzak. I finished it today. It is INCREDIBLE. What a fantastically written book. It's well thought out, so original, definitely a good pace. WOW. That's about all there is to it. It's about Japan and is based on Chris' experiences working as an English teacher in Japan, but it is so much more than that. It's about how people relate to one another and all the little ways people connect to one another. Think six degrees of separation, but just insanely, beautifully written.
In any case, now I am interested in teaching English in Japan. I've taught English in another non-English speaking country, why not Japan? If I can't go back to Africa, why not go to Asia and cross another bucket list item off my list? I feel this incredible need to get the heck out of America and visit the world while I am single and able. Maybe this whole breakup is the universe's way of telling me to get out and do things. I had envisioned all these plans I had with my ex and where my life was supposed to go. That's what I really need to let go of: it's not what actually happened, but what I was hoping would happen, that I grieve the most about. I spent a lot of time being angry, and then in denial and now I think I'm finally working through it. It feels like somebody died, but it is kind of like a death, but a death of a dream instead of a person.
I hope that one day I will meet the person I am supposed to have my amazing connection with and that connection will be even more amazing than the one I had with Andrew.
Taking this week off from work is a time I hope will be exactly what I need. I need to figure out who I am again. Me, myself and I. Maybe this is a time to rethink that and reinvent myself as the person I believe myself to be. I am stronger than I think I am. I am smarter than I believe myself to be. I am damn confident in myself right now. I need to ride this out for what it's worth. I'll be kicking ass and taking names for awhile while I make this change I need in my life. Watch out world, here I come!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
If you're gonna ask a girl on a date, CALL HER!
I'll start this with a text message I received this morning:
Boy: Im taking u to indy for dinner when can u be ready
I've known this guy for about 5 years. This is at least the tenth time the kid, and I mean KID because of how this situation was handled, has tried to ask me out by TEXT message. I've also told this kid, just as many times, that he needs to CALL me to ask me on a date. Today, I'd had it.
My response: If you want a date, you need to call me. Period. And how about asking? I have plans with my ladies tonight.
Boy: Ok then
Me: I'm appreciative of you wanting to take me out, but I can't just drop everything when you are free. I like you and I think you're cute, but you need to CALL me if you want to ask me out.
Am I wrong to think that a guy should ask out a girl in person or over the phone?? When did it become okay to only communicate by text message? In my belief, text message is best when you have a quick message or you know someone is at work and you have a question or something like that. It is not okay for the entire code of chivalry to be lost because a shy is too shy or whatever to call. I discuss this with a few male coworkers today and they agree with me. If a guy is serious about you, he's going to call, not make it as unpersonable as possible by doing it through text. I mean, hell, the guy may be in love with me or make not give a rat's ass, I certainly don't know by text message. Not like calling someone is hard, you don't even have to look them in the face. Plus, half of the time, you'll get a voicemail. NOT that hard. I swear. I'd also like to point out that most of my grammar and spelling are correct even though I'm texting back. U is not equal to the word y-o-u. Sorry.
I will not be responding to texts like this in the future.
In regards to my evening, it was wonderful. Two of the girls from work came over and I cooked chicken curry. Delicious! Another coworker came over with her hilarious and precious 5 year old son. They will be taking care of my kitties while I'm at home next week. The 5 year old is just hysterical and was so excited to see my kitties. He apparently is obsessed with cats but they cannot have one as his dad is allergic. He is super-psyched about seeing my cats and told me I needed to leave already. HEHE. So cute. Seriously though, the kid is incredibly intelligent and has the vocabulary and speaking abilities of most 7 year olds. Adorable.
The two girls and I watched Mean Girls and laughed our heads off. It is definitely one of those movies that will never get old to my generation of girls. Definitely a classic. We have the ability to talk about just about anything. I'm glad to have found a couple of girls who are a lot of fun to hang out with as well as be able to talk about just about anything with. :) Very awesome girls.
M, one of the girls, and I are both book nerds. We definitely shared some nerdy book talk as I tried to figure out which books to take next week.
Can NOT wait for vacation.
Also, can NOT get ex out of my head. It's been really hard the past few days.
Boy: Im taking u to indy for dinner when can u be ready
I've known this guy for about 5 years. This is at least the tenth time the kid, and I mean KID because of how this situation was handled, has tried to ask me out by TEXT message. I've also told this kid, just as many times, that he needs to CALL me to ask me on a date. Today, I'd had it.
My response: If you want a date, you need to call me. Period. And how about asking? I have plans with my ladies tonight.
Boy: Ok then
Me: I'm appreciative of you wanting to take me out, but I can't just drop everything when you are free. I like you and I think you're cute, but you need to CALL me if you want to ask me out.
Am I wrong to think that a guy should ask out a girl in person or over the phone?? When did it become okay to only communicate by text message? In my belief, text message is best when you have a quick message or you know someone is at work and you have a question or something like that. It is not okay for the entire code of chivalry to be lost because a shy is too shy or whatever to call. I discuss this with a few male coworkers today and they agree with me. If a guy is serious about you, he's going to call, not make it as unpersonable as possible by doing it through text. I mean, hell, the guy may be in love with me or make not give a rat's ass, I certainly don't know by text message. Not like calling someone is hard, you don't even have to look them in the face. Plus, half of the time, you'll get a voicemail. NOT that hard. I swear. I'd also like to point out that most of my grammar and spelling are correct even though I'm texting back. U is not equal to the word y-o-u. Sorry.
I will not be responding to texts like this in the future.
In regards to my evening, it was wonderful. Two of the girls from work came over and I cooked chicken curry. Delicious! Another coworker came over with her hilarious and precious 5 year old son. They will be taking care of my kitties while I'm at home next week. The 5 year old is just hysterical and was so excited to see my kitties. He apparently is obsessed with cats but they cannot have one as his dad is allergic. He is super-psyched about seeing my cats and told me I needed to leave already. HEHE. So cute. Seriously though, the kid is incredibly intelligent and has the vocabulary and speaking abilities of most 7 year olds. Adorable.
The two girls and I watched Mean Girls and laughed our heads off. It is definitely one of those movies that will never get old to my generation of girls. Definitely a classic. We have the ability to talk about just about anything. I'm glad to have found a couple of girls who are a lot of fun to hang out with as well as be able to talk about just about anything with. :) Very awesome girls.
M, one of the girls, and I are both book nerds. We definitely shared some nerdy book talk as I tried to figure out which books to take next week.
Can NOT wait for vacation.
Also, can NOT get ex out of my head. It's been really hard the past few days.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Eat Pray Love and Learn...
I've decided that Eat Pray Love is not only the story of my life 10 years from now but is also quite the inspiration for a girl who's life centered around the man in my life just a few months ago. I've learned that I just need to be ME. My life should not revolve around a man or a job or a whatever. I should be doing things to enrich myself which I can in turn use to enrich others. For the first time in my life, I need to put myself first and quit worrying about everyone else.
I spoke to the woman who should have been my mother in law this afternoon for about a half an hour. God, I love her. I think she's an amazing woman and she's got a lot to teach me. She's been to Africa, believes in a lot of the same things I do, plus she's got 40 years on me and can teach me a lot. Now, I have the urge to call my ex, but I will not. I know I'm still in love with him, and I'd bet $1,000 that he's still in love with me. I CANNOT spend the rest of my life thinking that. Everyone says that we're "supposed to be together" but maybe we aren't. Maybe we were supposed to be together "right now" instead of "forever." It's a lot easier to write that than to think it though, especially when people say differently. More than anything, I just hope that one day I'll be able to get over him. I certainly have no problem dating others, but no one has ever clicked with me like I've clicked with Andrew. There, I said his name. I spent the past two years thinking I was supposed to be Mrs. Andrew. I guess I was wrong.
I've been WAY too boy crazy lately. Not that I've been on a date, but I'm certainly aware of all the very attractive men in the world. I guess it's not illegal to look! I have no idea how to "play the game" as everyone seems to be calling dating now. In Eat Pray Love, Liz decides to become celibate and search for the higher things in life and wait until she falls in love to worry about men and sex. I'm beginning to think this is a GREAT idea. It's really hard, but I think it's necessary.
I think this blog writing has been a good experience. I like the idea that it's anonymous so I don't feel like I'm complaining or burdening anyone with my feelings. I also feel like it's out there to read if anyone cares. I hate the traditional diary and almost always seem to stop writing after a few days.
The book has also opened my eyes to spirituality...more on that later as I'm still pondering about it. Let's just say that Buddhism and Hinduism sound like great ideas right now.
P.S. I get to see my family this weekend! I'm driving to Pennsylvania to see them and I'll be staying the whole week. It will be really nice to get the hell out of this town!!! and see my awesome mama and family.
I spoke to the woman who should have been my mother in law this afternoon for about a half an hour. God, I love her. I think she's an amazing woman and she's got a lot to teach me. She's been to Africa, believes in a lot of the same things I do, plus she's got 40 years on me and can teach me a lot. Now, I have the urge to call my ex, but I will not. I know I'm still in love with him, and I'd bet $1,000 that he's still in love with me. I CANNOT spend the rest of my life thinking that. Everyone says that we're "supposed to be together" but maybe we aren't. Maybe we were supposed to be together "right now" instead of "forever." It's a lot easier to write that than to think it though, especially when people say differently. More than anything, I just hope that one day I'll be able to get over him. I certainly have no problem dating others, but no one has ever clicked with me like I've clicked with Andrew. There, I said his name. I spent the past two years thinking I was supposed to be Mrs. Andrew. I guess I was wrong.
I've been WAY too boy crazy lately. Not that I've been on a date, but I'm certainly aware of all the very attractive men in the world. I guess it's not illegal to look! I have no idea how to "play the game" as everyone seems to be calling dating now. In Eat Pray Love, Liz decides to become celibate and search for the higher things in life and wait until she falls in love to worry about men and sex. I'm beginning to think this is a GREAT idea. It's really hard, but I think it's necessary.
I think this blog writing has been a good experience. I like the idea that it's anonymous so I don't feel like I'm complaining or burdening anyone with my feelings. I also feel like it's out there to read if anyone cares. I hate the traditional diary and almost always seem to stop writing after a few days.
The book has also opened my eyes to spirituality...more on that later as I'm still pondering about it. Let's just say that Buddhism and Hinduism sound like great ideas right now.
P.S. I get to see my family this weekend! I'm driving to Pennsylvania to see them and I'll be staying the whole week. It will be really nice to get the hell out of this town!!! and see my awesome mama and family.
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Eat Pray Love
So I started reading Eat Pray Love this week. I can't decide if I like it or if it hits too close to home. It's like reading my autobiography before it actually happens. In case you have no idea what I'm talking about, the book is about a thirty something woman who decides to get divorced, falls in love with a much younger man, then decides to travel around the world. Her theories on love, depression, loneliness, men, etc etc etc all follow how I feel.
So...this describes EXACTLY how I feel about my current ex:
"We were already separated, that was official, but there was still a window of hope that perhaps someday (maybe after my travels, maybe after a year) we could give things another try. We loved each other. That was never the question. It's just that we couldn't figure out how to stop making each other desperately, shriekingly, soul-punishingly miserable."
She goes on to write that maybe if they admit that they aren't happy together or apart, that that will be what makes the glue that keeps them together. Now my ex and I weren't THAT miserable, at least I don't think so, but she makes a good point. I've been thinking the same things for the past few months. My soul is so sick of the crying and the sadness and the pain that I don't really feel much like me anymore. I definitely feel like a shell of the former me. I tried to fall in love with a new guy. It didn't happen. I feel like maybe I've hit the bottom, but then I get more sad. Loneliness moves in with me and depression becomes my pal. I just want to feel like myself again.
I could spend the rest of my life on my couch in sweatpants and an old tshirt wondering how to get my ex back. We still talk one in a blue moon, but I always end up more upset. My two best friends are in wonderful relationships. One is married to an amazing man and the other is dating the man she will most likely marry. Then there is me. I would have bet anyone a million dollars that my ex was the person I was supposed to be with forever and ever. He understood me and loved me for who I was, not the chameleon I tend to be around other people, being who I need to be to suit the needs at that time.
I'm supposed to leave in one week to visit my family in Pennsylvania. I'm excited and dreading it at the same time. My grandmother will inevitably ask what happened with my ex and tell me I should be married with a child by now, which always makes me feel like I'm not living up to anyone's hopes for me. I hate weekends and time off now because they give me time to think...about him.
I never thought I'd ever be the type to get lost in the sorrows from a break up. I've always taken break ups hard, but never like this. It's been 4 months. I should be done with this by now. I was in a relationship within a month of the break up with a nice guy, but it didn't work out. Another guy came back from my past and texted me to tell me "i'm ready to date you and be in a relationship with you." When I told him to call and ask me out, he flaked. This is why texting is the death of dating as we know it. No one has to work for anything anymore and it irritates the hell out of me. That's a whole other rant from me, so I'll save that for another time. I hung out with an ex of mine from high school and had a blast. Once again, here I sit alone. Everyone always says, "Just wait. He'll come when you least expect it." Well...I've waited and I've waited and I've waited. I don't want to be 40 when I finally get to have kids. I don't want to be 35 or 40 before I get married. I've had enough time on my own. I'm ready to settle down. I'm ready to put some roots down and not worry where I'll be a year from now every day of my life.
I've applied for a job in Africa. I highly doubt that I'll get it, but I figured that I'd be 90+ years old someday regretting it if I didn't do it, so I applied. I'm still waiting to hear about that one.
Please God, or whatever force controls the universe, PLEASE don't let me be the crazy cat lady!
So...this describes EXACTLY how I feel about my current ex:
"We were already separated, that was official, but there was still a window of hope that perhaps someday (maybe after my travels, maybe after a year) we could give things another try. We loved each other. That was never the question. It's just that we couldn't figure out how to stop making each other desperately, shriekingly, soul-punishingly miserable."
She goes on to write that maybe if they admit that they aren't happy together or apart, that that will be what makes the glue that keeps them together. Now my ex and I weren't THAT miserable, at least I don't think so, but she makes a good point. I've been thinking the same things for the past few months. My soul is so sick of the crying and the sadness and the pain that I don't really feel much like me anymore. I definitely feel like a shell of the former me. I tried to fall in love with a new guy. It didn't happen. I feel like maybe I've hit the bottom, but then I get more sad. Loneliness moves in with me and depression becomes my pal. I just want to feel like myself again.
I could spend the rest of my life on my couch in sweatpants and an old tshirt wondering how to get my ex back. We still talk one in a blue moon, but I always end up more upset. My two best friends are in wonderful relationships. One is married to an amazing man and the other is dating the man she will most likely marry. Then there is me. I would have bet anyone a million dollars that my ex was the person I was supposed to be with forever and ever. He understood me and loved me for who I was, not the chameleon I tend to be around other people, being who I need to be to suit the needs at that time.
I'm supposed to leave in one week to visit my family in Pennsylvania. I'm excited and dreading it at the same time. My grandmother will inevitably ask what happened with my ex and tell me I should be married with a child by now, which always makes me feel like I'm not living up to anyone's hopes for me. I hate weekends and time off now because they give me time to think...about him.
I never thought I'd ever be the type to get lost in the sorrows from a break up. I've always taken break ups hard, but never like this. It's been 4 months. I should be done with this by now. I was in a relationship within a month of the break up with a nice guy, but it didn't work out. Another guy came back from my past and texted me to tell me "i'm ready to date you and be in a relationship with you." When I told him to call and ask me out, he flaked. This is why texting is the death of dating as we know it. No one has to work for anything anymore and it irritates the hell out of me. That's a whole other rant from me, so I'll save that for another time. I hung out with an ex of mine from high school and had a blast. Once again, here I sit alone. Everyone always says, "Just wait. He'll come when you least expect it." Well...I've waited and I've waited and I've waited. I don't want to be 40 when I finally get to have kids. I don't want to be 35 or 40 before I get married. I've had enough time on my own. I'm ready to settle down. I'm ready to put some roots down and not worry where I'll be a year from now every day of my life.
I've applied for a job in Africa. I highly doubt that I'll get it, but I figured that I'd be 90+ years old someday regretting it if I didn't do it, so I applied. I'm still waiting to hear about that one.
Please God, or whatever force controls the universe, PLEASE don't let me be the crazy cat lady!
Friday, June 25, 2010
It's been a crazy couple of weeks. Our golf outing was yesterday, and I feel like all I've been doing at work is worrying about money and spending my entire day on QuickBooks. When I was little and I dreamed about having a job and being an adult, QuickBooks is not exactly what I had in mind. It seems like these days, I'm not happy. Not happy about a damn thing. I live alone with two cats in a 2 bedroom apartment in a small college town in Indiana. Living in a college town is fine, but friends don't stick around too long. They graduate and eventually move. The flipside of that is they get married/have kids, and don't have time to hang out anymore. It's a very strange time to be single.
For a year and a half, I was dating the love of my life. We'd been to Disney World and shared a lot of dreams together: traveling, having kids, family, etc etc etc. I felt more comfortable with him than with anyone I've ever met. His parents divorced in October, and after that, things changed and he broke up with me in February of this year. Unfortunately, that was just after I'd signed my lease for June 2010-June 2011. Now I feel like I'm stuck in a town where everything, and I mean everything reminds me of him. I can't look at or go anywhere without some kind of reminder. I guess the break up was more a death of the dreams I'd had for my future than just a break up. I'm not hesitant to say that I believed I'd be with him the rest of my life. While he's out being a party boy and doing whatever he wants, I'm sitting on my couch unmotivated to do anything. I feel like I go to work just because I need to go someplace during the day. Well...that and to pay the bills too.
Work: The place where I work my ass off everyday is a Boys & Girls Club. I'm the administrative assistant there, and NO I'M NOT A SECRETARY. I do some clerical work, but I also create budgets, do the accounting, prepare for special events, and help us "do right by the donor" as my boss says, as well as countless other tasks. I may work 8 hours a day, but I jam more stuff in an 8 hour day than most people do in 6 days. Multitasking is essential. I'm damn good at my job and I'm proud of it.
Wednesday night I went to bed and fell asleep before 9pm. I haven't done that since I was 5. I don't know if it's because I don't feel good, that I'm depressed, or both. To me, it feels like if I leave this town and get away from my ex, that I'll be happy. However, I almost doubt that. More than anything, I want to be a wife and a mother. Living alone and being the crazy cat lady seem more like what I will become. Everyone says you need to be positive, but everytime I get a little ahead in life or put my whole self into something, it falls apart.
I really just want to go back to Africa, where I'm appreciated and loved and I feel important.
Anyway, back to the golf outing...It was a lot of fun. I spent 13 hours or more working yesterday to set up, register golfers, set up the dinner, ensure everyone was happy and I even got to drive a golf cart! I haven't done that since I was like 13 years old. I ramped it on a curb because I took a turn too sharply, but I didn't get stuck. I've never been to a "real golf course" before, that I can remember. Eagle Pointe was great. The golfers had a great time, the dinner went really well. I also got to meet IU's head football coach, Bill Lynch. He's a very nice guy. After the event, I took the money home and categorized it. I think we did pretty well. It was nice to get all that done while it was still fresh in my head. It also cleared up some of my schedule today to work on other things. My boss was doing a lot of errands today, but called and told me I should leave early at 2pm. I was going to ask, but he offered, so I took it. I came home and took an hour nap. It's nice being able to relax.
I hope to continue this blog about dating as a 24 year old, working as 24 year old, and what through the mind of a 24 year old. I'm not going to be apologetic. I'll give it to you as straight as I think it/see it myself. I hope you enjoy.
For a year and a half, I was dating the love of my life. We'd been to Disney World and shared a lot of dreams together: traveling, having kids, family, etc etc etc. I felt more comfortable with him than with anyone I've ever met. His parents divorced in October, and after that, things changed and he broke up with me in February of this year. Unfortunately, that was just after I'd signed my lease for June 2010-June 2011. Now I feel like I'm stuck in a town where everything, and I mean everything reminds me of him. I can't look at or go anywhere without some kind of reminder. I guess the break up was more a death of the dreams I'd had for my future than just a break up. I'm not hesitant to say that I believed I'd be with him the rest of my life. While he's out being a party boy and doing whatever he wants, I'm sitting on my couch unmotivated to do anything. I feel like I go to work just because I need to go someplace during the day. Well...that and to pay the bills too.
Work: The place where I work my ass off everyday is a Boys & Girls Club. I'm the administrative assistant there, and NO I'M NOT A SECRETARY. I do some clerical work, but I also create budgets, do the accounting, prepare for special events, and help us "do right by the donor" as my boss says, as well as countless other tasks. I may work 8 hours a day, but I jam more stuff in an 8 hour day than most people do in 6 days. Multitasking is essential. I'm damn good at my job and I'm proud of it.
Wednesday night I went to bed and fell asleep before 9pm. I haven't done that since I was 5. I don't know if it's because I don't feel good, that I'm depressed, or both. To me, it feels like if I leave this town and get away from my ex, that I'll be happy. However, I almost doubt that. More than anything, I want to be a wife and a mother. Living alone and being the crazy cat lady seem more like what I will become. Everyone says you need to be positive, but everytime I get a little ahead in life or put my whole self into something, it falls apart.
I really just want to go back to Africa, where I'm appreciated and loved and I feel important.
Anyway, back to the golf outing...It was a lot of fun. I spent 13 hours or more working yesterday to set up, register golfers, set up the dinner, ensure everyone was happy and I even got to drive a golf cart! I haven't done that since I was like 13 years old. I ramped it on a curb because I took a turn too sharply, but I didn't get stuck. I've never been to a "real golf course" before, that I can remember. Eagle Pointe was great. The golfers had a great time, the dinner went really well. I also got to meet IU's head football coach, Bill Lynch. He's a very nice guy. After the event, I took the money home and categorized it. I think we did pretty well. It was nice to get all that done while it was still fresh in my head. It also cleared up some of my schedule today to work on other things. My boss was doing a lot of errands today, but called and told me I should leave early at 2pm. I was going to ask, but he offered, so I took it. I came home and took an hour nap. It's nice being able to relax.
I hope to continue this blog about dating as a 24 year old, working as 24 year old, and what through the mind of a 24 year old. I'm not going to be apologetic. I'll give it to you as straight as I think it/see it myself. I hope you enjoy.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
The First
The past few months, I have debated about writing a blog and recording my feelings about being a working girl at 24 years old. Some times I feel like I'm 10 years ahead of my age and sometimes I feel like I'm 12. I wanted someplace to get these feelings out in the open where I could connect with others my age who have just started this journey into the working world and what everyone likes to call "real life."
I grew up in a college town in the midwest, the daughter of a professor and an academic. From the time I was little, I was encouraged to work hard and succeed. I play percussion instruments and participated in high school marching band and world class drum corps (we got second in the WORLD). I graduated near the top of my class and earned an honors diploma from high school. I attended a state university and graduated in 3 1/2 years with a BA in history. I've been to Africa twice where I interned at an AIDS Orphans School where I taught English. After returning from Africa after graduation, I worked for a Dept. of Child Services contractor, then worked at a mental health center for a year and a half, and now I work at the local Boys & Girls Club as the administrative assistant.
So there's a little background on me and who I am.
I hope that this blog will help encourage others to keep pushing and give me a place to share all these crazy feelings I've had since I've entered the working world.
I grew up in a college town in the midwest, the daughter of a professor and an academic. From the time I was little, I was encouraged to work hard and succeed. I play percussion instruments and participated in high school marching band and world class drum corps (we got second in the WORLD). I graduated near the top of my class and earned an honors diploma from high school. I attended a state university and graduated in 3 1/2 years with a BA in history. I've been to Africa twice where I interned at an AIDS Orphans School where I taught English. After returning from Africa after graduation, I worked for a Dept. of Child Services contractor, then worked at a mental health center for a year and a half, and now I work at the local Boys & Girls Club as the administrative assistant.
So there's a little background on me and who I am.
I hope that this blog will help encourage others to keep pushing and give me a place to share all these crazy feelings I've had since I've entered the working world.
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