Since I returned home from Mom's, I feel like I haven't had the motivation to do anything after work. I feel like I get home and all I want to do is sit on my butt and watch tv. I haven't read in a few days, which is totally not my style. I don't know what my issue is. Maybe it's the heat. It's been 90+ degrees for a few weeks now. The heat index this week has been 100+. The AC has been on 24/7 which I hate, but it's too hot not to use it and my allergies can't handle the windows open. Oh well. AC will have to do.
I've been talking to my friend about driving to visit them in a couple weeks. I haven't seen them since June so I'm excited. It's kind of a bummer that my best friends live 3 hours away so I don't get to see them very often. I hope we go to the casino again. It's always a blast! Hopefully all 3 girls will be home so I get to see them. Ashley may have left for college by then but Tori and Darryn should be around. Yay! Brent, Darryn's husband, is awesome too. :)
Some time this week, I'd like to make a Goodwill/thrift store shopping trip. I always find good things there. Last time I went, I was at Mom's, and I found a pretty skirt and an awesome vest for a total of $5. I need some new clothes, but working a non-profit doesn't give me much leeway in the money department. Goodwill is the place to go. May try Plato's Closet too, but sometimes it is just as expensive as other stores.
I feel like I've been a lot better with money lately. I live paycheck to paycheck because rent in the town I live in is CRAZY expensive, but I don't feel too stressed out nowadays about it.
Any one wear a size 6 and want some high heels? I own way too many! I may just take them to Goodwill, but I thought I'd ask first.
P.S. I listened to all of the ex and I's song today. I didn't feel emotional hardly at all. I feel a lot better about the whole situation now. I'm certainly getting over it. Feeling lots better. Looking forward to moving on and getting to know that awesome new guy better. :)
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
I MET A GUY
Okay, so I didn't want to start telling people about this until I was sure that he's a cool guy. And he is. :)
A couple weeks ago, I went to a place called The Root Cellar, which is basically a new version of a beatnik bar, with one of my friends. She and I met a couple interesting people and talked to them for awhile. Soon enough, some friends of my friend show up. One of them is a very handsome guy, who happens to not be drinking that night, like me. We ended up talking all night. He's a smart, funny, handsome, confident guy. He's a blond, which isn't usually my style, but he's gorgeous. He's a nerd too, which is awesome.
We've been talking basically every day since by text, facebook and skype. I'm just thrilled to have met a good guy. I'm excited. He's a couple years younger than me, but very cool. He's up at home for the summer college break and will be coming back in a couple of weeks. Hope to have a date with him when he gets back. Sounds like there is a good chance!
A couple weeks ago, I went to a place called The Root Cellar, which is basically a new version of a beatnik bar, with one of my friends. She and I met a couple interesting people and talked to them for awhile. Soon enough, some friends of my friend show up. One of them is a very handsome guy, who happens to not be drinking that night, like me. We ended up talking all night. He's a smart, funny, handsome, confident guy. He's a blond, which isn't usually my style, but he's gorgeous. He's a nerd too, which is awesome.
We've been talking basically every day since by text, facebook and skype. I'm just thrilled to have met a good guy. I'm excited. He's a couple years younger than me, but very cool. He's up at home for the summer college break and will be coming back in a couple of weeks. Hope to have a date with him when he gets back. Sounds like there is a good chance!
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
It's Been Awhile...
I just haven't been motivated enough to write since I returned from Mom and Dad's. Perhaps because I've been busy or perhaps because I feel like I didn't have anything to write about. Well, listening to music always get my brain moving, so here I am...
I finished "He's Just Not That Into You." Holy shit. I think I've read everything there is to know about dating and BAM. I read it with skepticism and was offended most of the time. Until that is, I realized the guy has a point. Why run around with a billion guys who don't give a flying f&*# about you? Why bother with a guy who's not going to follow through, no matter how many times he tells you that he loves you? I think more than anything that I am FURIOUS with the things guys get away with in a relationship and the total shit I put up with in my last one. "I love you and we're going to be together forever" does not equal that. It equals "I'm going to break your heart and shit all over it while I'm at it because I'm too afraid to commit." Screw that. Screw men that treat women like that. Why do we ask what's wrong with us and how we can fix it when it's not our fault?!
This is so liberating. Screw you for not wanting me, but I am a lovely, beautiful woman and I can conquer the world with or without you.
It's short, but that's my point. Advice or comments welcome.
I finished "He's Just Not That Into You." Holy shit. I think I've read everything there is to know about dating and BAM. I read it with skepticism and was offended most of the time. Until that is, I realized the guy has a point. Why run around with a billion guys who don't give a flying f&*# about you? Why bother with a guy who's not going to follow through, no matter how many times he tells you that he loves you? I think more than anything that I am FURIOUS with the things guys get away with in a relationship and the total shit I put up with in my last one. "I love you and we're going to be together forever" does not equal that. It equals "I'm going to break your heart and shit all over it while I'm at it because I'm too afraid to commit." Screw that. Screw men that treat women like that. Why do we ask what's wrong with us and how we can fix it when it's not our fault?!
This is so liberating. Screw you for not wanting me, but I am a lovely, beautiful woman and I can conquer the world with or without you.
It's short, but that's my point. Advice or comments welcome.
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
What's the point?
I know everyone, at some point, has taken a step back from life and wondered, "what the hell is the point?" Some people find their answers in religion. Some people find them in drugs. Some people find them in reading. Some people find them in helping others.
Well, I'm taking a step back again, one of many that I've taken, and have wondered the exact same thing. I enjoy my job, my friends, the few hobbies that I have. But, in the end, what's the point? At one point in my life, I believed it was helping people. Today, I still believe that, but I also believe that my entire existence will be based on a search for self. Yea, I have a basic idea of who I am and where I am going, but there sure is a lot of shit out there that I don't know. I don't know where I'll be in a year. I don't know what path my life is on. I don't know if I'm going to end up the crazy cat lady at the end of the day.
I think life is based more on what you don't know than what you do know. Everyone knows the phrase, "You learn something everyday." Whoever first said that phrase is damn right. I think your entire life is there for you to learn things. As my ex once said, he needs to learn what makes him happy. I have my own things that I'm learning. I'm learning where I belong. I'm learning where I am in this huge universe. I'm discovering who I am. I spent so much time trying to "help" others that I never took the time to truly help myself. Looking back, it's probably because I don't want to seem selfish or a bitch or whatever.
I'm learning that I'm a strong person, just like my mom, and I really don't give a shit if that means I'm a bitch. Bitch is just a word. I've been called moody, but what HUMAN BEING isn't. I swear that guys have their own version of PMS but whatever it may be, they can be JUST as moody as women. Get over it guys, you're definitely like that too.
I think the search for self is a continuous journey that must be a journey taken from the beginning to the end of your life. Don't let anyone tell you who you are or where you are going. I don't care if the person you love the most, whether it's a family member or your mate, tells you what you are. If that's not who you are, don't act like it is. I spent a lot of my life being a chameleon for other people. Originally (this was in high school), I thought it was a good idea because I knew a lot of people and I had a lot of what I considered, "friends." Looking back on it now, though, the people that I was myself with are still my friends. I'm still friends with my high school sweetheart and we hang out on occasion. My first boyfriend got married this past weekend. And, yes, we're still friends. I see several of my high school friends around town. We don't hang out all the time or even talk a lot, but they're still friends. Does facebook help me stay in contact? You bet. Would I still try to stay in contact with those people without it? You betcha.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is that: Be who you are, not who others think you should be. Don't believe that you're ever going to stop learning either. You won't. I will try my best to remember that it will take me my entire life to learn about the world and how I fit in and who I am. I must be patient and realize I'm not going to learn it all in one day. I need to take it one step at a time.
Well, I'm taking a step back again, one of many that I've taken, and have wondered the exact same thing. I enjoy my job, my friends, the few hobbies that I have. But, in the end, what's the point? At one point in my life, I believed it was helping people. Today, I still believe that, but I also believe that my entire existence will be based on a search for self. Yea, I have a basic idea of who I am and where I am going, but there sure is a lot of shit out there that I don't know. I don't know where I'll be in a year. I don't know what path my life is on. I don't know if I'm going to end up the crazy cat lady at the end of the day.
I think life is based more on what you don't know than what you do know. Everyone knows the phrase, "You learn something everyday." Whoever first said that phrase is damn right. I think your entire life is there for you to learn things. As my ex once said, he needs to learn what makes him happy. I have my own things that I'm learning. I'm learning where I belong. I'm learning where I am in this huge universe. I'm discovering who I am. I spent so much time trying to "help" others that I never took the time to truly help myself. Looking back, it's probably because I don't want to seem selfish or a bitch or whatever.
I'm learning that I'm a strong person, just like my mom, and I really don't give a shit if that means I'm a bitch. Bitch is just a word. I've been called moody, but what HUMAN BEING isn't. I swear that guys have their own version of PMS but whatever it may be, they can be JUST as moody as women. Get over it guys, you're definitely like that too.
I think the search for self is a continuous journey that must be a journey taken from the beginning to the end of your life. Don't let anyone tell you who you are or where you are going. I don't care if the person you love the most, whether it's a family member or your mate, tells you what you are. If that's not who you are, don't act like it is. I spent a lot of my life being a chameleon for other people. Originally (this was in high school), I thought it was a good idea because I knew a lot of people and I had a lot of what I considered, "friends." Looking back on it now, though, the people that I was myself with are still my friends. I'm still friends with my high school sweetheart and we hang out on occasion. My first boyfriend got married this past weekend. And, yes, we're still friends. I see several of my high school friends around town. We don't hang out all the time or even talk a lot, but they're still friends. Does facebook help me stay in contact? You bet. Would I still try to stay in contact with those people without it? You betcha.
I guess the point I'm trying to make is that: Be who you are, not who others think you should be. Don't believe that you're ever going to stop learning either. You won't. I will try my best to remember that it will take me my entire life to learn about the world and how I fit in and who I am. I must be patient and realize I'm not going to learn it all in one day. I need to take it one step at a time.
Monday, July 5, 2010
It's been awhile...
I think I owe y'all a blog or two.
I'll start with Thursday. Thursday, I woke up with immense pain in my abdomen. Basically, it felt like someone had punched me really hard. I thought I just had slept wrong or whatever and went to work. Spent the entire day in pain. I'd finally had enough around 5 and asked my friend, M, to take me to the ER after calling the doctor's office and having them tell me to go to the ER. We spent about an hour at the ER. I got several xrays and other tests. Apparently, I'm showing signs of IBS. Woohoo. They gave me some meds, which may have started working, but I'm still having cramping in my abdomen and it HURTS.
Friday: I went to work, because, damn it, I'm not going to miss work. Worked until about 3 when I finally asked if I could leave when I broke down crying because my abdomen hurt so bad. I went home, took a nap, and decided to drive to Pennsylvania to start my vacation early. I got here at about 1am. It was a pretty decent drive. There weren't too many people on the road and I made really good time. Got stared at by a really good looking guy at a truck stop outside Columbus, Ohio. I couldn't help but think to myself, really?? At a TRUCKSTOP?? I don't think so. I made it here just fine. Listened to the audio version of "A Price of Stones" on the way here. Incredible novel. Definitely will be a book I read over and over.
Saturday: I started a book called "The Love We Share Without Knowing" by Christopher Barzak. I finished it today. It is INCREDIBLE. What a fantastically written book. It's well thought out, so original, definitely a good pace. WOW. That's about all there is to it. It's about Japan and is based on Chris' experiences working as an English teacher in Japan, but it is so much more than that. It's about how people relate to one another and all the little ways people connect to one another. Think six degrees of separation, but just insanely, beautifully written.
In any case, now I am interested in teaching English in Japan. I've taught English in another non-English speaking country, why not Japan? If I can't go back to Africa, why not go to Asia and cross another bucket list item off my list? I feel this incredible need to get the heck out of America and visit the world while I am single and able. Maybe this whole breakup is the universe's way of telling me to get out and do things. I had envisioned all these plans I had with my ex and where my life was supposed to go. That's what I really need to let go of: it's not what actually happened, but what I was hoping would happen, that I grieve the most about. I spent a lot of time being angry, and then in denial and now I think I'm finally working through it. It feels like somebody died, but it is kind of like a death, but a death of a dream instead of a person.
I hope that one day I will meet the person I am supposed to have my amazing connection with and that connection will be even more amazing than the one I had with Andrew.
Taking this week off from work is a time I hope will be exactly what I need. I need to figure out who I am again. Me, myself and I. Maybe this is a time to rethink that and reinvent myself as the person I believe myself to be. I am stronger than I think I am. I am smarter than I believe myself to be. I am damn confident in myself right now. I need to ride this out for what it's worth. I'll be kicking ass and taking names for awhile while I make this change I need in my life. Watch out world, here I come!
I'll start with Thursday. Thursday, I woke up with immense pain in my abdomen. Basically, it felt like someone had punched me really hard. I thought I just had slept wrong or whatever and went to work. Spent the entire day in pain. I'd finally had enough around 5 and asked my friend, M, to take me to the ER after calling the doctor's office and having them tell me to go to the ER. We spent about an hour at the ER. I got several xrays and other tests. Apparently, I'm showing signs of IBS. Woohoo. They gave me some meds, which may have started working, but I'm still having cramping in my abdomen and it HURTS.
Friday: I went to work, because, damn it, I'm not going to miss work. Worked until about 3 when I finally asked if I could leave when I broke down crying because my abdomen hurt so bad. I went home, took a nap, and decided to drive to Pennsylvania to start my vacation early. I got here at about 1am. It was a pretty decent drive. There weren't too many people on the road and I made really good time. Got stared at by a really good looking guy at a truck stop outside Columbus, Ohio. I couldn't help but think to myself, really?? At a TRUCKSTOP?? I don't think so. I made it here just fine. Listened to the audio version of "A Price of Stones" on the way here. Incredible novel. Definitely will be a book I read over and over.
Saturday: I started a book called "The Love We Share Without Knowing" by Christopher Barzak. I finished it today. It is INCREDIBLE. What a fantastically written book. It's well thought out, so original, definitely a good pace. WOW. That's about all there is to it. It's about Japan and is based on Chris' experiences working as an English teacher in Japan, but it is so much more than that. It's about how people relate to one another and all the little ways people connect to one another. Think six degrees of separation, but just insanely, beautifully written.
In any case, now I am interested in teaching English in Japan. I've taught English in another non-English speaking country, why not Japan? If I can't go back to Africa, why not go to Asia and cross another bucket list item off my list? I feel this incredible need to get the heck out of America and visit the world while I am single and able. Maybe this whole breakup is the universe's way of telling me to get out and do things. I had envisioned all these plans I had with my ex and where my life was supposed to go. That's what I really need to let go of: it's not what actually happened, but what I was hoping would happen, that I grieve the most about. I spent a lot of time being angry, and then in denial and now I think I'm finally working through it. It feels like somebody died, but it is kind of like a death, but a death of a dream instead of a person.
I hope that one day I will meet the person I am supposed to have my amazing connection with and that connection will be even more amazing than the one I had with Andrew.
Taking this week off from work is a time I hope will be exactly what I need. I need to figure out who I am again. Me, myself and I. Maybe this is a time to rethink that and reinvent myself as the person I believe myself to be. I am stronger than I think I am. I am smarter than I believe myself to be. I am damn confident in myself right now. I need to ride this out for what it's worth. I'll be kicking ass and taking names for awhile while I make this change I need in my life. Watch out world, here I come!
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